Halloween Goodies: Shit That Should Not Occur In Nature

Halloween is almost here, and in many parts of Canada (the prairie provinces, for sure), this is the time of year when winter shits on us. Part of growing up Canadian is experiencing the disappointment of having to wear a snow suit under your Halloween costume, or having to down grade from “slutty nurse” to …

Pumpkin Carving 2009: EPIC FAIL

Pirate and I celebrated Halloween together with a horror-movie-a-thon. I was surprised when he suggested carving a pumpkin. Suggesting this very common Halloween tradition may not seem like a big deal, but that’s because you do not know the deep rooted emotionlessness of a Pirate. Did I mention that Pirates don’t have a bone of …

Swamp Water.

It’s undeniably evident that there is something peculiar about the water up here, even disregarding the yellow foam that encircles the puddle on our front lawnchair. General observations. First there is the unique driving practices of Fort McMurray people–murderous kamikaze pilots on the highway, elderly folk on valium in the city. Then there is the …

My Kids.

The time has come when I must move on to the next phase of my life and leave my kids behind. Some formal words to ease my heartache…. Chubchub I don’t worry about you as much as I worry about Dudes. I know you are content simply eating, grooming, and subjecting people to the abrasive …