Canadian House of Commons Discuss Zombie Resistance

We, the Canadians, have had few moments of pride since Emperor Harper's Styrofoam bucket-hair and anti-democratic ominous bills, but watching this brief address in the House of Commons makes me want to grab a twelve pack of Pilsner, saddle up the sled dogs, and go for a joy ride around the igloo complex while singing Gordon Lightfoot's The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

Despite my thrill (and eagerness to sign up for the Canadian Military Zombie Resistance Forces), David Frum, AKA Zombie Pacifist of the National Post took a different stance:

Zombies face a frightening humanitarian crisis — aggravated, it may be said, by the sanctions and boycotts imposed on them by living people who refuse to accept the need for coexistence with their mindless, flesh-eating neighbours.

And to that I say . . .

Pussy.

How to Make Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kits (for Kids)

A few days ago I met my BFF, Laura, outside my work to swap Christmas gifts, including the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kits I made for her children . . .

Because it takes a village.

It's been a few months since she left our mutual work place after securing a higher paying, future-friendly man job (which I am immensely fucking proud of her for) and the withdrawal I've experienced from not seeing her everyday in a semi-controlled environment has been emotionally jarring, especially considering the Gary Busey style of dysfunction that has not only filled the void of her absence, but has leaked into other avenues of my life like toxic decomp, and for those who aren't familiar with bio hazard clean up, that means "liquid body rot."

When we approached each other under the fluorescent halo of the asphalt parking lot, she shone like an angel, or possibly an original My Little Pony circa 1988, like Baby Apple:

Or maybe more like Princess Sparkle:

 Wow, so pretty.

Oh, sorry, guys. Vagina, here. I get easily distracted by sparkly things.

The kiddies were waiting in the car as her and I attempted to jam two months worth of random, story recaps into a five minute conversation. Meanwhile, Gavin, her middle child, the one with the tendency to defy rules, and who I admit to having a soft spot for (go figure, as my mother said), bounced around the interior of her Mini Vans Can Go Fuck Themselves sports car, his chipmunk-inated child voice nattering away at the speed of light as he projected it out the window towards us.

"LOJO!!!! LOJO!!!! LOOWW-JOOOO!!"

I waved enthusiastically.

"R THER PRESENTS CHRISTMAS GIFTS SERPRIZE SANTA DO U HAVE SOME OMG AWESUM STUFF CHRISTMAS . . . . YAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!"

I assured him that I did, indeed have some loot for him and his siblings, who at this point, were sitting in the back seat sharing eye rolls.

BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING!, his miniature body continued to ricochet off the car's interior as Laura and I resumed our conversation, and as we discussed the art of ball-breaking douche bag idiots, suddenly a familiar sound resonated from the background.

"VVVRRRooom. vvvrrrOOOM. VVVRRRooom. vvvrrrOOOM . . .

. . . VVVRRRooom."

"GAVIN!," Laura turned towards him with the dexterity of a Soviet sniper. "The automatic windows work. We got it. Thanks, buddy. NOW CHILL OUT!"

He flashed her a mischievous, albeit accomplished smile, the same smile I make when I break the will of a boyfriend from dedicating hours to perfecting my James Hetfield growl, or I sing the Don's Tire and Auto radio'mericial in a munchkin voice for the 20th time in a row.

When it was time to go, Gavin escaped from the car, his Little Person legs moving at an astronomical speed, and when he gave me a hug, all I could think was, "shit, I really hope he likes the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit."

According to Laura, the kits were well received.

How to Make Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kits (for Kids):

1. Similar to an emergency road kit, the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit needs to be contained in some sort of sealable unit. A small tackle box would work. I made mine out of Crayola craft kits with the art materials removed.

2. Stickers. Cool stickers are a must, and while it was easy to find stickers that were appropriate for three year old Lili Bug, finding the right adornments for the boys was a more difficult feat. Some of the best stickers I used, such as the bullet hole stickers, were actually car decals that were purchased at Canadian Tire. A superior, more economical idea is to buy printable sticker sheets and create your own custom stickers (could be stickers of real-life zombies, ninjas, bio hazard symbols, favorite band logos, AK-47s, etc.), and I would have done this if my printer hadn't finally succeeded at committing suicide the week before Christmas, but unfortunately, I bought it at Staples, so it had been depressed for a while.

3. The zombie kits should include a well balanced combination of zombie resistance tools and non-zombie related goodies that reflect the child's interests, especially if the zombie kit is for a younger child, as my zombie kits were. You don't have to be a mommy blogger to know that children have the attention span of gold fish, and they do not yet possess the intellectual or emotional maturity to fully comprehend the value of preparing for the zombie apocalypse. So, throw in a few shiny objects and items that scream, "whooaa, BAD ASS!" and you should still come away as the crazy, albeit half-ass cool, surrogate Aunt.

Zombie Resistance identification badges were included in all the kids' kits, as were Nerf guns, although slightly larger models for the boys, and according to Laura, the I.D. badge was a big hit with Gavin. If I were to do it again, I would make more official looking badges on my computer if it had still had a pulse, but the most I could muster for this was printing off photos of the kids at my parents house and creating the rest of the badges by hand. For those who are crafty with graphic design, you could have a lot of fun with these.

WARNING:

Asshole Hazard - Before giving a Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit as a gift to a child whom is not your own, make sure to warn/ touch base with the parent(s) to make sure that they are okay with its contents, both on a moral level, and also on a mental health level, because the last thing you want to do is instigate a familial break down that causes Mom to lock herself in the bathroom with a bottle of prescription pain killers as the kids wage war on each other by shooting each other in the face with Nerf guns.

That about covers the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit tutorial. A timeless and practical gift that can be tweeked to adhere to children of any age, and teaches the important value of zombie survival preparedness.

Zombie! Resistance! Zombie! Resistance!

Zombie Tools: "Fuck the Revolution; Bring On the Apocalypse"

We've been experiencing some unusually warm weather in western Canada, and as my friend Jordan pointed out on a facebook status earlier today, this weather has been quite enjoyable, "but the obviously impending apocalypse is a bit concerning."

Yeah, man, tell me about it. The weather was so hot, dry, and muggy on Saturday that I could smell the post-mortem rot of zombie flesh in the air, and I have since coined this period as The Autumn Before the Apocalypse.

"What are all you apocalyptica people going to do if shit doesn't go down next year?" Laura asked me, evidently concerned about my emotional well being if things don't pan out.

"It's okay, Laura. We'll come up with a new theory that continues to affirm our beliefs." Religions have been doing it since the beginning of time, after all.

A couple years ago, I came across a website called Zombie Tools: Accessories for the Apocalypse.

Zombie Tools is owned and operated by a group of swordsmen and metalsmiths from Missoula, Montana who make weapons for zombie slaughter. If that, in itself, isn't enough to earn my respect, their slogans of, "Can't save the world? Then prepare for its end," or, "Zombie Tools: A Fist Full of Fuck Yeah", are.

In the following video, Max from Zombie Tools challenges 24 cans of beer with the Apokatana. Fast forward to three minutes in if you have Attention Deficit Disorder, or if you're a member of Gen Y. If you're a Gen Z'er, you might as well skip the whole fucking thing because it lacks any sort of auto-tuned music track.

Impressive, huh? As for me, I'm leaning towards the d'Capitan 2012.

They also have a bad ass, 2012 zombie apocalypse calendar for sale, and some pretty awesome merch, too, like a hoodie with this on the back of it:

Which, to the misery of my mother, I will be buying.

Things I have learned as a writer

To the relief of my mom, and possibly my boyfriend, and to the disappointment of Laura, who might throw my manuscript across the room after reading it and yell, "where the hell is the bondage?!", the zombie apocalypse novel I am writing has surpassed the erotica genre and has morphed into a more subdued, character driven love story. I have conceptualized the whole plot, which is hunky dory, but I am currently at a stand still. I have read that when writing fiction it is common to lose your flame around the second act. My second act happens to be chapter five. Screw you, chapter five!

This isn't my first attempt at a massive fiction project. Remember years ago when I'd drop the odd, seemingly pretentious comment about "my novel"? After years of tinkering away at that on and off, all I produced was a lot of notes, a solid character synopsis, and one concrete scene. As for plot, I just couldn't make it happen, probably because that story was largely driven by my own therapeutic needs instead of a drive to tell the story. Because, well, I didn't really have a story.

One of the most valuable things I've learned about writing over the years is that writing is not simply a selfish, therapeautic act that creates brilliant pieces of work by default. From my experience, the biggest mistake among those of us who are rookie writers is that writing is often treated as an egocentric activity. Writing that is truly valuable has a purpose for the audience reading it, and although that purpose may vary from piece to piece, the common thread is that it is enjoyable to read and the audience pulls energy from it. Those who are long time readers of my blog probably noticed a shift in my writing a few years ago when I overcame the habit of using self publishing as a mode to vent or create long winded declarations about my inner feelings. I knew that I wanted to do more with my writing than just keep an online diary. In fact, I didn't want to keep an online diary at all. I wanted my writing to develop, and that switch in philosophy has made my writing stronger and more enjoyed by those who read it.

The hardest thing I've had to do as a writer is block out conventional notions of success and just concentrate on developing my craft. The thought process of Where will this go? Is it worth my time? is an automatic creativity drain and a recipe for failure.

I've also learned that writing fiction takes an incredible amount of ongoing research, both for the content of the story and the art of fiction writing itself. Doing research for this particular project has taught me a lot about blood and brain matter and the crime scene crews who clean that shit up. I have also learned a lot about how to survive a zombie apocalypse, which we all know I am eagerly awaiting. Apparently there are many other people eagerly awaiting the zombie apocalypse. MANY. OTHER. PEOPLE. People who have reminded me that I am much lower on the crazy scale than I had previously thought.

Even the Catholics are talking about it on a thread called Catholic Morality in a Post Zombie Apocalypse World. Take a look. I don't know what your conclusion is, but after reading that thread, my conclusion is that the Catholics are so fucked.

I was searching through youtube videos of lectures done by writing professors when I stumbled across an interview with Stephenie Meyer, author of the Twilight saga. I've never read her books or watched either of the movies, but since the Twilight brand is being marketed like the New Kids on the Block were marketed in the late 80's and early 90's, I am going to assume the saga is probably based on a grossly unrealistic fantasy wrapped in an edgy package aimed to titillate the minds of already media corrupted young girls and women. This topic was recently discussed in more depth on Twitch's blog. But, like I said, I am ignorant to all things Twilight, so debate among yourselves.

I couldn't find the original video I watched in which Stephenie Meyer explains how she was living a life as a stay-at-home mom of three boys when she became inspired by a dream and gradually began writing her first vampire fiction. However, the content of the following interview is similar.

I don't have anything against Stephenie Meyer. Whether I dig the Twilight phenomenon or not, I always give a thumbs up to people who are spending their lives doing what they love and gaining success at it. Double thumbs up to those who get movie deals.

However.

It irks me when people downplay their own success.

Writing fiction is hard. Really fucking hard. And even that is an understatement. Creating dynamic characters, an interesting setting, a realistic time sequence, and a plausible conflict that can drive a progressive and intriguing plot, and then fusing those things with natural dialogue, flash backs and back story, meaningful sub-characters, and personal growth transformed by inner dilemmas, and then painting those things into a unified picture by using technical and creative skill is a bit like weaving the blanket from hell. 

Like many other things in life, writing fiction requires an incredible amount of focus and dedication. You don't unknowingly shit out a best selling novel while playing mommy to three boys. I am sure the mothers who are reading this will give me an extra fist pump on that point. Before a person completes a novel, they live it and breathe it first.

I am not sure if people downplay their success because they feel almost embarrassed by it and are trying to display an aura of humility (this is not that uncommon among women), or, on the contrary,  if they want to be perceived as naturally talented: I am incredibly successful because I am just that special.

I am reminded of the infamous story of Stephen King throwing the first three pages of Carrie into the trash can and his wife retrieving them. That's the thing, when developing any creative skill, you struggle, you trip, you get rejected, but you stick to it, forge ahead, and learn as you go.

Being someone who wasted numerous years battling the Where will this go? Is it worth my time? perspective, it bothers me when hugely successful people downplay the nitty, gritty, and sometimes compulsive work that is almost always required in gaining success. The ups and downs, the passionate loyalty, and the gradual metamorphosis that is involved in developing an art form is the key factor that makes creating such a deeply meaningful endeavor. So why won't more people talk about it?

Hmph.