The Late, Albeit Necessary New Years Post, Micro Edition, Because Resolutions Suck

The Christmas season has passed, and I feel blessed to now be spared from the auditory terrorism of Christmas carols that made blood ooze from my ears like strawberry jam. However, my artificial Christmas tree still stands tall, its once charming demeanor now exuding a stale, almost offensive egotism, like some overly manicured douche bag taking up space in the corner of my living room. "LOL," says my douche bag Christmas tree, "better add overcome chronic procrastination to your list of New Years Resolutions, you lazy @!$%!."

The only resolution I made this New Years was to resume regular postings, here, on my website, regardless of how ridiculous the rest of my life gets.

Oops.

Winners aim high. Or something like that.

My new years resolution this year is simple: do not get charged with assault.

But that's aiming low. Typically I set my New Year aspirations low as to not damage my sense of life accomplishment when I don't achieve those goals. I don't want to feel depressed for not sculpting She-Ra abs. I don't want that failure weighing on my conscience every year-- the soft chub around my belly button is enough.

This year is different though, different as in I am whole heartedly serious about changing my life. Not half ass. Not on the fence. Not luke warm. I am ready to giv'r, like Deaner from Fubar.

I had a decent year. I experienced a relationship for the first time since the I Can't Deal with the Ineptness of Men hiatus I took from 2007 to late 2008. Work wasn't as swell as it had been in the past, but I was ultimately reunited with the infamous Laura, and for the first time since university I made a real life girlfriend. A woman who can give me a cheeky smile during a moment of seriousness and make me burst out in inappropriate laughter in front my of boss. A woman who I see face to face on a regular basis. As in there is the possibility that someday our monthly cycles may fall into synch due to our pheromones. How exciting is THAT?! I also set up this blog. A real legit website. Ultimately my relationship came to a demise, and then I met Bear. Now I am experiencing what it's like to date a man who can pick me up by my crotch and body slam me when I beak him. Nothing is perfect.

A few days ago I told Bear that I am "ready for a positive change."

"Good things come to those who wait," he said.

"I hope so."

"Just gotta keep trying and be patient."

"I can't wait to take over the world."

EYEROLL AND A SIGH. "In due time."

Life To-Do List for 2010:

1. I am going to get a new job this year.

Since I am pretty sure that my name has been sent out in a mass email to all reputable employers in this city titled BLACKLISTED FOR NO APPARENT REASON, there is a chance that this may not happen. If it doesn't, I will go back to school to become a glorified secretary. Degree in related field? FAIL. Glorified secreterial certificate. WIN. I surrender, job market, HR ladies, and crazy executives. I am waving my white flag in the air. YOU WIN.

2. Keep writing. Keep blogging. Contribute to Steve's site like I said I would three months ago. Network with other like-minded nerds/ writers/ artists.

3. I may as well become rich. Why not? Is the cup half empty or is it half full? IT'S HALF FULL..

4. I will eventually sleep normal hours, possibly even more than four hours a day, and I will sleep without downers.

5. I will function without uppers.

6. I will finish the tattoo designs I promised people six months ago.

7. My cats will become celebrities.

8. I will harvest their pooh and sell it on eBay.

9. I will start a more strategic savings plan so I am prepared for the possibility of going to Glorified Secreterial school, or, more importantly, so I can upgrade my car to a '05. With racing stripes. Oh right, I am going to become rich. Nevermind.

Last but not least. . .

10. This is the year that Hollywood will excercise gender equality and will make a My Little Pony blockbuster, as well as a Jem and the Holograms movie. The boys have gotten Transformers, Transformers 2, GI Joe, and this year they'll get a He-Man remake. . . HAVE I MISSED ANY? Do you know how many of us women had to endure those movies under the illusion of being good sports? Of course I never did, because I am one of those stubborn, pain in the ass girlfriends. Plus, I boycott anything Megan Fox. It's become part of my value system.

Bear gave me hope as he supported the probability of Pixar creating an hour and a half My Little Pony awesome-a-thon. But Pixar? No. I had Shetland ponies in mind, albeit spray painted shades of pastel. As for Jem, I am expecting to receive a call from some Hollywood bigwig later in the year asking me to act as Jetta from the Misfits. And I will reject their five million dollar contract. But I will accept when they bump it up to ten.

Nothing is written in stone, but I have a feeling that it is going to be a good year. At minimum, I am sure that I will avoid an assault charge.