A few days ago, I was so uggghh! at life that as I sat on the toilet to take a piddle with my power-butch, Carhartt work pants around my ankles, I developed scrunchy face and had a good cry, which is impressive considering I usually have stone face, where the only thing that incites dampness from my tear ducts is sad animals, sad babies, and the thought of my parents dying (while being sad). Later in the day when I arrived home from running errands, I looked in the mirror and realized that I had been mingling among the public with ashy, mascara-induced tear stains all over my then re-composed stone face.
Those days happen though, at least to me, when I get tired of all the bullshit and require a (somewhat forced) emotional release that usually ends up making me look like the kind of woman who posts images of kitty/unicorn hybrids on a blog. It's easy to get caught up in the negative aspects of life, and the unanswerable questions we impose on the lord, like why are those so many douche bags in the world, Raptor Jesus?, but sometimes those same things that weigh on our souls can bring us joy.
Via mockery.
That being said, I bring you Steve Who Works At Site, which appears to be the masterpiece of some Fort Mac boys looking to blow off a little steam, and is some of the best Alberta related comic relief I've enjoyed since Fubar II. While this series of Xtranormal cartoons may not be meaningful, or even make sense to those who haven't experienced Alberta oil culture, or more specifically, those who haven't lived or worked up in Fort McMurray, for those of us who have: LOL.
"If you have a nice rack, like to do blow in the Digger's bathroom, and like men with a big wallet, give me a shout-- I work at site."
"I have to catch my Diversified bus to the site so I can make a difference by driving around in fucking circles."
My friend Jacquie ignited discussion around the topic of douche bags when she recently posted a blog entry titled, How to Spot a Douche Bag. It got me thinking, what is a douche bag to me?Jacquie made some excellent points in her critique, but since Jacquie resides in Saskatchewan, and I am now a permanent resident of Alberta, I thought I would add an Albertan perspective to the discussion.
When I think of douche bags, I think of men with unsexy behavioural traits: men who are preoccupied with looks, whether it be their own or the looks of others; men who weakly conform to the most ridiculous social trends and spend their money on superficial, status items yet have no money in the bank; men with an over inflated sense of entitlement, or a cocky ego that clashes with an inability to grow up and act like a real man. And the list goes on.
There are also different classifications of douche bags: the Jonas Brothers Purity Ring douche bags; the man-whore, Jesse James douche bags; the spray tan, Guido douche bags; the Chad Kroeger, redneck douche bags; the spoiled bitch douche bags like the ones on The Hills; the socially inept, life leech, nerd douche bags; or the supreme, man choda, Chris Angel type of douche bags. And the list goes on.
As I was doing research by gathering the opinions of my co-workers, The Wolf Pack, as to what they believe constitutes douche baggerism, we found it difficult to reach a consensus about certain characteristics commonly perceived as symbols of douchey-ness. The argument of, "yeah, but I know a guy who does that and he's super nice and down to earth," came up again and again. I realized that deciphering which characteristics make a man an Axe blooded douche bag was not going to be an easy task.Ultimately I concluded that a legitimate douche bag is not just some dude with a few bad fashion choices or a lame taste in hobbies, but rather the full package deal-- the kind of clueless asshole who really is a clueless asshole.
And so I bring you the Douche Bag Point System, a check list devised of douchey characteristics that are weighted on severity and ultimately compiled into a more complete analysis.
The Douche Bag Point System:
The use of hair gel or mousse - 3 points
Frosted tips - 10 points
(Used in conjunction - automatic 15 points)
Nautical star tattoo - 5 points
Nipple, belly button piercings - 10 points
(Eyebrow ring - additional 2 points
Loyalty to brand whoredom - 7 points
Ed Hardy clothing and accessories - 10 points
(Those who wear Ed Hardy and don't know who Ed Hardy is - 5 more points)
Popped collars - 10 points
Pink shirts - 8 points
Wearing a visor - 7 points
(Wearing a visor backwards and upside down - automatic 15 points)
Unusual positioning of hat - 3 points
Crotch rockets - 10 points
Suped up family cars and rice mobiles - 10 points
Lifted trucks - 6 points
Monster trucks - 10 points
"Balls deep" decal on vehicle - 10 points
Canadian Tire seat covers with flames or skulls on them - 5 points
A DVD player in vehicle (not stock) - 4 points
Truck nuts hanging from hitch of 4X4 - 10
Anyone who regularly parties like a rock star after the age of twenty-five - 5 points
Excessive work out regime focusing on the upper body - 5 points
(In conjunction with the use of Creatine, or worse, steroids) - 5 more points
Anyone who subscribes to men's magazines like Maxim - 7 points
A fan of bad techno, Theory of a Dead Man, etc. - 6 points
Dudes who body surf - 8 points
Dudes who go shirtless in public - 5 points
Excessive use of white in wardrobe - 10 points
Douchey Calculations:
1-30 points: Sometimes Mistaken for a Douche
Enjoy the few douchey tastes you have, sleep well, and do not worry-- there is a little bit of douche in all of us. As long as you do not wear a visor backwards and upside down. Ever.
30-75 points:Nice Guy With Some Douchey Qualities
You're a nice, down to earth fella-- no, really, I mean it. You're just a little misguided. You have a mind of your own and a sense of individuality, however, it is constantly jeopardized by your underlying desire to fit in with the mainstream. In other words, your integrity is weakened by your salty craving for bro culture.
You act like a cool guy around most, but transform into an unbearable mangina when in the presence of your bros. You try to mimic your bros' choice of attire because you think they are fashionable. They are not. You think Entourage is the best show on TV. It is not. In high school you bad mouthed douche bags behind their backs, not because you thought they were douches, but because they wouldn't let you into their mangina club. That, in itself, is a bit douchey.
Fear not. I have faith that you will out-grow your douche baggerism when your testicles descend.
75 - 150 points: On Your Way to Douche-dom
You have potential, but unfortunately you are spineless. Shitty, I know.
You work a lame job and power trip at that job, thus making the lives of your subordinates a douchey nightmare and consequently inspiring them to refer to you as "Douche" behind your back. You hook up with twenty-one year old coke heads with low IQs and then complain that there are no nice, normal girls out there. You despise home-grown automobiles, although you're not sure why, and you widen the asshole of your Civic's exhaust so it sounds like a weed wacker with a bad case of the farts. You own one pink shirt worth $150 but you do not feel comfortable enough with your masculinity to wear it.
I probably dated you at some point.
150- 225 points: Full Blown Douche Bag
You refuse to be friends with women because you do not see women as people. Women who will not sleep with you are "dumb bitches", those who will sleep with you are "dumb sluts". You regularly objectify women by analyzing their physical imperfections, yet you, yourself, are ugly. Ironically, you obsess over your physical appearance and do not like it when women are prettier than you are.
You are an incredibly loud, shameless mantard, and you get off on dominating anything and everything in the most mantarded ways imaginable. You perceive responsibility as an unattractive inconvenience that is best to be avoided.
Someday you will be that dumb ass at the gym with chicken legs, a massive upper body, and horrible, frosted tips, and you'll hit on twenty year old girls after gracelessly staring at their lady parts and they'll walk away from you and laugh.
THEY'RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU.
So, what are your thoughts on what constitutes a douche bag?
Feel free to use Jacquie and my blog posts as reference points for discussion. What aspects do you agree with? What aspects do you disagree with? I, personally, disagree with Jacquie's douche classification of those who drive Mustangs proceeding 1970.
That's right, I like my Mustang. I goddamn love it.
And just in spite of Jacquie's comment, I found this shirt the day she published her blog post and bought it. YES, I WEAR IT, TOO.
Okay, maybe those forest green, V6 convertibles circa 1994 are a bit douchey.
FINE. THEY ARE.
And while we're on the topic, can women be douche bags? If so, what constitutes a female douche bag?
I've posted this before, but I am thrilled to post it again:
November 19, 2011 
