Steve From Fort McMurray

A few days ago, I was so uggghh! at life that as I sat on the toilet to take a piddle with my power-butch, Carhartt work pants around my ankles, I developed scrunchy face and had a good cry, which is impressive considering I usually have stone face, where the only thing that incites dampness from my tear ducts is sad animals, sad babies, and the thought of my parents dying (while being sad). Later in the day when I arrived home from running errands, I looked in the mirror and realized that I had been mingling among the public with ashy, mascara-induced tear stains all over my then re-composed stone face.

Those days happen though, at least to me, when I get tired of all the bullshit and require a (somewhat forced) emotional release that usually ends up making me look like the kind of woman who posts images of kitty/unicorn hybrids on a blog. It's easy to get caught up in the negative aspects of life, and the unanswerable questions we impose on the lord, like why are those so many douche bags in the world, Raptor Jesus?, but sometimes those same things that weigh on our souls can bring us joy.

Via mockery.

That being said, I bring you Steve Who Works At Site, which appears to be the masterpiece of some Fort Mac boys looking to blow off a little steam, and is some of the best Alberta related comic relief I've enjoyed since Fubar II. While this series of Xtranormal cartoons may not be meaningful, or even make sense to those who haven't experienced Alberta oil culture, or more specifically, those who haven't lived or worked up in Fort McMurray, for those of us who have: LOL.

 

"If you have a nice rack, like to do blow in the Digger's bathroom, and like men with a big wallet, give me a shout-- I work at site."

"I have to catch my Diversified bus to the site so I can make a difference by driving around in fucking circles."

Fall In Central Alberta: Getting The Kinks Out

Not to jinx myself, but I think I may be getting my groove back after all the changes that have arisen over the last few weeks. I've been in the eye of the shit-icane, and I've worked myself into such a tizzy that Commander-in-Chief of Irritable Bowel Syndrome saw my stress as an opportunity to invade and he was all like, "POOPIES ATTACK!"

Too much information?

Changes on the j-o-b have thrown everything in my life out of wack, and by everything, what I really mean is:

• personal hygiene
• my writing
• upkeep with the kitties' incoming winter coats
• my writing
• my ability to eat foods that will not be banned by the government within 25 years
• my writing
• my sleep schedule
• my writing
• my cleaning regime (and I never had one before)
• my writing

Wait, I think I'm missing something . . . oh yeah, my writing.

The hurdles are still there, but they seem to be lessening a bit, and when I look ahead at the upcoming weeks, I no longer want to lay in the fetal position and smoke a pound of weed and cry.

However, on Sunday I wasn't at the place of psychological elevation that I am now, and I found myself daydreaming about opening fire in a heavily populated area, and consequently spending the rest of my life in prison-- gosh, I'd have so much time to write. So I did what any moderately sane person would do: I went for a drive on logging roads through the mountains.

These photos were taken from Corkscrew Mountain in Clearwater County, which is West of Caroline and South of Nordegg, Alberta.

 Near Ram Falls, heading towards Nordegg:

In total, I saw wild horses, a moose, mule deer, and a lot of mountain goats, including a mama and her kid. Unfortunately, I saw a lot of clear cutting, too.

It was nice to get out of the city. I needed the silence.

Summer In Central Alberta: Season Wrap Up

South West (?) of Rimbey, Alberta

Making Stupid Laws In Attempt To Eliminate Stupidity

On September 1st, the Government of Alberta implemented The Distracted Driving Law.

Prior to the implementation of this new legislation, the bitching of Albertan citizens could be overheard in Cape Spear, Newfoundland, vibrating the ears of Atlantic fishermen like a swarm of frustrated mosquitoes.

Albertans don't like being told what to do, and this is one of the reasons why Alberta was an attractive destination for me to call home.

Because I am my father's daughter.

Because I am stubborn.

 

Rumors regarding the pending Distracted Driving Law spread through day to day conversation and media outlets, including the on going rantings of our local radio jockeys.

"Chicken McNuggets are allowed, but no Big Macs."

"Cheeseburgers?! What about cheese burgers?!"

- Laura and I

"Well, if they're going to tell me that changing the radio station is too much of a distraction, they may as well ban my children from the vehicle, as well."

-Frustrated Sales Woman from The Source

"If I get pulled over for changing the song on my MP3 player, I'm not only going to get a ticket for Distracted Driving, I am also going to be charged with Assault of a Police Officer."

-Me

But Albertans' true touchy spot was the impending threat of having our Tim Hortons coffee taken away. Because driving while drinking Cocaine infused coffee out of paper cup with a technologically retarded lid and inevitably dumping at least some of that coffee in our lap, or sometimes all over our face, is simply what we do here.

Even the Distracted Driving Law's Do's and Don'ts check list that was fed to my Facebook via the Alberta Government was confusing, hypocritical, and wishy washier than one of my bosses attempting to give an answer to a question.

And so the Distracted Driving Law remained a heatedly debated mystery among the people of Alberta. All we knew was that come September 1st, we could get a traffic fine, for like, pretty much anything.

September 1st came and went, and I finally got a hold of a legitimate list of what the Distracted Driving Law includes. Despite the premature panicking of many Albertan people, the law is quite reasonable, and nothing near the Totalitarian law we were expecting to have to overthrow, Gorilla style.

Restricts drivers from:

• using hand-held cell phones
• texting or e-mailing
• using electronic devices like laptop computers, video games, cameras, video entertainment displays and programming portable audio players (e.g., MP3 players)
• entering information on GPS units
• reading printed materials in the vehicle
• writing, printing or sketching, and
• personal grooming
• Complements the current driving without due care and attention legislation
• Applies to all vehicles as defined by the Traffic Safety Act, including bicycles
• Applies to all roads in both urban and rural areas of the province

I can only assume that the restricted list also includes highway head, although I understand why they would hesitate to cite that on the Government web site. That's alright, Alberta Government, I'll do it for you:

• Restricts the receiving, and in particular, the administering of highway head while operating a vehicle, including bicycles.

More from the Government website:

We are not talking about penalizing drivers for taking a sip of coffee, chatting with passengers or blowing their nose. We are talking about drivers who decide to put themselves and others at risk by watching movies, browsing for and downloading 'apps', applying makeup or shaving all while trying to navigate through traffic.

These activities are not specifically restricted under the law:

• using a cell phone in hands-free mode - this means the device is not held in the driver's hand and is activated by voice or a single touch to the device
• using an earphone — if it is used in a hands-free or voice-activated manner
• drinking beverages, such as coffee, water or pop
• eating a snack
• smoking
• talking with passengers
• listening to a portable audio player

Etc.

Now that we know the true details of the Distracted Driving Law, we can assume that the following activities are still acceptable:

• Hand holding
• Children
• Babies
• Making kissy face
• Nipple twisters
• Air guitar
• Air rock band
• Giving the finger
• Dropping one's burning cigarette in one's lap
• Listening to music so loud you cannot hear the sirens of emergency vehicles
• Wincing at Pro Life billboards

Obviously the Albertan Government had homicide prevention in mind when crafting the specifics of the new Distracted Driving Law, and I think we can all feel a sense of relief that we've maintained our freedom to dump Tim Horton's coffee all over our laps while playing air guitar to Tom Sawyer by Rush.

Summer In Central Alberta: Gull Lake

Gull Lake, early morning in late August-- the leaves are already starting to turn.