Sunday
Aug272006

Girlfriends To Avoid.

An informational guide to help you avoid problematic friendships with other females.

:Girlfriends To Avoid:

:The Girlfriend Who Doesn't Drive:

This has nothing to do with eco-morality and a person's choice to ride a bike rather than drive a car. I'm referring to the girlfriend who doesn't drive and volunteers you as her personal chauffer. Want to get together for coffee? You'll be driving. Want to take a yoga class together? You're picking her up every week. She has kids? You're dropping them off at daycare. Want to go shopping? Ok, but you're driving, and p.s., she wants to go to the mall on the other side of the city. Non-driving girlfriends wouldn't be a problem if they pitched in for gas once in awhile, however, they don't realize how expensive it is to drive, nor do they realize that you spend every weekend partaking in demoralizing fetish films so you can afford to fill up your gas tank for the following week.


:The Girlfriend Who Is A Drug Addict And / Or Slut:

Yep, we've all been friends with a drug addicted slut at one time or another. Suddenly, you're the one she's yelling profanities at when she comes down from her coke n' ecstasy binge. You're the one driving her to the std clinic to get tested for AIDS. You're the one trying to pull her out from under the table when she starts crying in the fetal position. You're the NARC who doesn't want to take her to the ghetto on a drug run. Drug addicted sluts can be more problematic for a girl than a good looking bad boy who says all the right things.

Note: The Drug Addicted Slut is often a Non-Driving Girlfriend.


:The Girlfriend Who Secretly Pines Over Your Boyfriend:

Until I met Craig, I didn't realize these girls existed beyond fictional, day time soap operas. These are the girls who ask creepy questions, the girls who sit beside your man and adoringly laugh at everything he says, the girls who glare at you from across the room, the girls who get uncomfortable when you and your partner act affectionate towards eachother, and the girls who initiate communication with your boyfriend once or twice a day under the pretext of "just being friends". These girls are not your friend-- they're the empty carcasses that God accidently shipped out after he ran out of souls.


:The Girlfriend Who Is A Sell Out With No Self Esteem:

This is the girlfriend who goes home with a guy from the bar and leaves you there with no ride home. Or the girlfriend who disappears last minute when you have a special night planned together. Or the girlfriend who fails to stick up for you in a crowd. This is the kind of girl you should borrow stuff from and never call back.

Note: The Sellout With No Self esteem will often pine over your boyfriend. If not yours, then someone else's.


:The Girlfriend Who Is Always AMAZING:

This is the girlfriend whose shit doesn't smell but who is always there to remind you that yours does. Since this girl is in denial, she will never admit to life being anything less than wonderful, even if she's flunking school, pregnant and on welfare, or regularly getting beaten up by her boyfriend. The Girlfriend Who is Always AMAZING is so fake that she's impossible to carry a meaningful conversation with, and if you make the mistake of opening up to her, she will make fun of you until you cry.

:The Girlfriend Who Is A Stalker:

The Girlfriend Who Is A Stalker is usually single, abrasive, and has absolutely nothing in common with you. This girl calls you so often that you never have the chance to voluntarily reciprocate, and when things get too creepy, you start screening her phone number and making up lies to avoid seeing her. The she comes to the conclusion that you hate her, which means she has to hate you back, and suddenly you've gone from potentially making a new friend to acquiring a psychotic enemy who wants to destroy you.


[Dedicated to my wonderful friends who don't make this list]

Sunday
Aug062006

Givenchy Couture.

As of Fall 2006, Givenchy officially makes transgendered en vogue.


[No, this has not been photoshopped].

Thursday
Aug032006

Gloria & The Box.

The box must die.

Wednesday
Jul262006

Man Smarts.

On Sunday night, Craig and I debated what I should wear for my first day of work.

L: I could wear high heels?

C: Darling, think back to the last week when you wore your high heels. What happened at the auto wrecker?

L: I couldn't walk over a metal grid and had to go bare foot.

C: And what happened at the beach?

L: ......

C: Now, do you think it's a good idea to wear high heels on your first day of work?

L: No [?].


Sunday
Jul092006

Polly Says.

Gravity is beneath me, and so are you, feeble human.