Friday
Sep082006

Avid Reader.


Today I interviewed a woman from a small town outside of Airdrie, which made me wonder why anyone would want to spend an hour commuting to Red Deer twice a day to make five dollars an hour after travel expenses-- the mystery of people who don't think things through.

During the interview she asked if there was possibility for advancement if she took a labor position in the production room. I informed her that there is a variety of jobs to move up to, like supervisory positions, positions in circulation, etc.

"Well," she said, with grave seriousness, "I've always wanted to be an editor."

Me too, I thought, and a runway model, a fashion designer, and a famous rockstar with a rider that includes Sphynx cats and McDonalds french fries dipped in cocaine. She proceeded to tell me that she's an avid reader with an interest in language, and, I may add, she worked as a teacher's aide in an elementary school during the 1980's.

As I momentarily took a glimpse into the fantastical world of this woman, I realized that I, too, would rather spend my days existing within the bright lights and fuzzy boundaries of the twilight zone, instead of this harsh, competitive world called reality.

I gently explained that if she wants to pursue a career as a newspaper editor, her best bet is to enroll in university and work towards a Masters Degree. She then gave me a disappointed look, as if to say, what kind of a savage world do you live in? Well, a world where being the editor of a newspaper requires more qualifications than fan of Danielle Steel.

In a way, I envy this woman. Within the confines of her small town, she is The Shit. She walked with her head held high, maintained a demeanor of absolute superiority, and repeatedly referred to herself by her last name, Ms. ******. Of course, I repeatedly referred to her by her first name, ******. But regardless of the ridged world she briefly visited for this job interview, she would soon return to her life that rests 100 km away, a world where purple pigs have wings, men birth children, and a person without post secondary education can become the editor of a successful newspaper.

"So, where exactly do you live?" I asked.

Friday
Sep012006

Chubs & Polly.

The hatred shared between ChubChub and Polly is fuelled by four elements of dysfunctionality:

Awkwardness. Due to the fact that neither feline has mustered the will to break the ice, many days are filled with intense, social awkwardness when both cats spend hours on end glaring at each other from a safe distance.

Frustration. ChubChub spends her afternoon daydreaming about killing Polly and eating her. Meanwhile, she unknowingly bares the bald patches on her legs and belly which is the result of her ripping out her own fur-- a psychological manifestation triggered by her gnawing hatred for Polly.

Envy. Polly cannot understand why that bitch gets to go outside and she doesn't. Meanwhile, ChubChub wonders why God gave Polly 24 toes and not her.

Anger. ChubChub is consumed with anger because she has to share the garden with Polly, so she nonchalantly stalks her like a predator.

It is doubtful whether the hatred shared between these two felines will ever subside. Instead, it is assumed that they will be mortal enemies for the rest of eternity.

Sunday
Aug272006

Girlfriends To Avoid.

An informational guide to help you avoid problematic friendships with other females.

:Girlfriends To Avoid:

:The Girlfriend Who Doesn't Drive:

This has nothing to do with eco-morality and a person's choice to ride a bike rather than drive a car. I'm referring to the girlfriend who doesn't drive and volunteers you as her personal chauffer. Want to get together for coffee? You'll be driving. Want to take a yoga class together? You're picking her up every week. She has kids? You're dropping them off at daycare. Want to go shopping? Ok, but you're driving, and p.s., she wants to go to the mall on the other side of the city. Non-driving girlfriends wouldn't be a problem if they pitched in for gas once in awhile, however, they don't realize how expensive it is to drive, nor do they realize that you spend every weekend partaking in demoralizing fetish films so you can afford to fill up your gas tank for the following week.


:The Girlfriend Who Is A Drug Addict And / Or Slut:

Yep, we've all been friends with a drug addicted slut at one time or another. Suddenly, you're the one she's yelling profanities at when she comes down from her coke n' ecstasy binge. You're the one driving her to the std clinic to get tested for AIDS. You're the one trying to pull her out from under the table when she starts crying in the fetal position. You're the NARC who doesn't want to take her to the ghetto on a drug run. Drug addicted sluts can be more problematic for a girl than a good looking bad boy who says all the right things.

Note: The Drug Addicted Slut is often a Non-Driving Girlfriend.


:The Girlfriend Who Secretly Pines Over Your Boyfriend:

Until I met Craig, I didn't realize these girls existed beyond fictional, day time soap operas. These are the girls who ask creepy questions, the girls who sit beside your man and adoringly laugh at everything he says, the girls who glare at you from across the room, the girls who get uncomfortable when you and your partner act affectionate towards eachother, and the girls who initiate communication with your boyfriend once or twice a day under the pretext of "just being friends". These girls are not your friend-- they're the empty carcasses that God accidently shipped out after he ran out of souls.


:The Girlfriend Who Is A Sell Out With No Self Esteem:

This is the girlfriend who goes home with a guy from the bar and leaves you there with no ride home. Or the girlfriend who disappears last minute when you have a special night planned together. Or the girlfriend who fails to stick up for you in a crowd. This is the kind of girl you should borrow stuff from and never call back.

Note: The Sellout With No Self esteem will often pine over your boyfriend. If not yours, then someone else's.


:The Girlfriend Who Is Always AMAZING:

This is the girlfriend whose shit doesn't smell but who is always there to remind you that yours does. Since this girl is in denial, she will never admit to life being anything less than wonderful, even if she's flunking school, pregnant and on welfare, or regularly getting beaten up by her boyfriend. The Girlfriend Who is Always AMAZING is so fake that she's impossible to carry a meaningful conversation with, and if you make the mistake of opening up to her, she will make fun of you until you cry.

:The Girlfriend Who Is A Stalker:

The Girlfriend Who Is A Stalker is usually single, abrasive, and has absolutely nothing in common with you. This girl calls you so often that you never have the chance to voluntarily reciprocate, and when things get too creepy, you start screening her phone number and making up lies to avoid seeing her. The she comes to the conclusion that you hate her, which means she has to hate you back, and suddenly you've gone from potentially making a new friend to acquiring a psychotic enemy who wants to destroy you.


[Dedicated to my wonderful friends who don't make this list]

Sunday
Aug062006

Givenchy Couture.

As of Fall 2006, Givenchy officially makes transgendered en vogue.


[No, this has not been photoshopped].

Thursday
Aug032006

Gloria & The Box.

The box must die.