Thursday
Jun162005

Staples Marketing.

The Strategizing of Staples marketing people:

Action: Play never-ending sequence of love songs about passionate kissing, two becoming one, or adultry.
Consequence: Songs induce feelings of inadequacy, self deprivation, and mid life crisis.
Result: Target consumers will buy more staplers, scotch tape, and packages of transparency papers.

Saturday
May282005

Birthday 22.

Thanks to all who participated in my birthday festivities and helped me celebrate the monumental transition from age 21 to 22, even if my birthday festivities were down sized to dinner at Moxies due to conflicting work schedules. Thanks to Craigory, for gifting me with fatty foods, Disney's Robin Hood on dvd, and financial funding for my next tattoo. Thanks to Mike for the misspelled keychain, and Dwayne, for being the alpha roommate of the world. You all made my birthday special.

But may you all burn in hell for not getting me a cat.

 

Monday
May232005

Swamp Water.


It's undeniably evident that there is something peculiar about the water up here, even disregarding the yellow foam that encircles the puddle on our front lawnchair.

General observations.

First there is the unique driving practices of Fort McMurray people--murderous kamikaze pilots on the highway, elderly folk on valium in the city. Then there is the fact that no fast-food joints open past 12:00 am, which is obviously violating our human right to 4:00 am carbohydrate binges.

Two common practices that lack any sort of rationale.

Specific observations.

I started to notice that I was getting a tan without tanning my skin. I also noticed that I didn't have to shave my legs as frequently as I did back home. Then I went to the SPCA and learned that Fort McMurray cats are approximately the same size as medium sized dogs.

Hypothetical theory.

Although evidence supports that the water of Fort McMurray will most likely weaken my IQ rather than strengthen it, I am still hopeful that the conjunction of chemicals, oil, and aqua will increase my bust size to a large C cup and blur my sense of heightened consciousness so I'm less aware and more ignorantly blissful.

<3 L. Posted by Hello

Friday
Apr222005

My Kids.


The time has come when I must move on to the next phase of my life and leave my kids behind. Some formal words to ease my heartache....

Chubchub

I don't worry about you as much as I worry about Dudes. I know you are content simply eating, grooming, and subjecting people to the abrasive toxicity of your bad attitude. At one time we were as close as a girl and a cat could be until you developed that compulsive obsessive grooming habit and started to eat your own tail. Then came the daily baths. Then came the compulsive obsession with the daily baths. Now you are the cleanest cat in Canada and your tail is fluffier than any other part of your anatomy--which was obviously your goal all along.

I don't look forward to the days when I'll be missing you. I won't be there to say, "helloooo, bitch" when you waddle into the room. I won't be there to treat your lardy undercarriage like an entity all its own.

There are so many things I love about you, like your flaming ego or the way you pretend you don't poop. You're a true woman, Chubchub, and I love you for it.

Dudes

Little Dudes. Life is going to be quite different when I'm gone, but I have faith that you'll adjust and possibly even forget about me after a few weeks. You were never the brightest crayon in a pack of 64, but your jovial spirit and quirky, somewhat bizarre tendencies have won the hearts of many.

I want you to remember two things. First, you are NOT a dog, nor do you want to be. Second, always be proud of your breasts. You are the only cat I have ever known to actually have breasts and this is an accomplishment in itself.

I love the kazillion different ways you meow, including your insecure, "I'm lonely" meow and your barely audible cat-whine which you only use when you want someone to dote on you. I know you'll get bored when I'm not around to play with you, but try not to beat up Chubchub too much--she's unnaturally large and does not have the agility you do. If you ever get bored, go find a garbage can and dump it over. I know how much you like that.

I love you, little friends. I'll miss you terribly. <3 Posted by Hello

Tuesday
Mar222005

Divas Mourn.


Chub Chub collapses in agony at hearing the news that diva extraordinaire, Lil Kim, has been convicted of perjury & conspiracy in connection to the 2001 shooting outside of Hot 97 radio station. Posted by Hello

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