Tuesday
Feb262013

From the Highs of Dressing Like a Dude, to the Lows of Dressing for the Office: My Year in Fashion Rehab


It was approximately six months ago when I found myself shuffling through the grocery store wearing camo-print pajama pants. Witness accounts may claim I was making a Honey Boo Boo, Mama-June, bingo face while humming Kim Mitchell's Go For a Soda, and I will neither deny those statements, nor feel ashamed of their possible validity.

 

 Mama-June makes BINGO FACE.

 

However, I did break a cardinal rule: I wore my pajama pants in public and came closer to becoming a Red Deerian.

There are lots of reasons why I stopped caring, the main reason being the nature of my former job which enabled me to spend six, luxurious years dressing like a dude. I also experienced a change in my life priorities when I became serious about my writing. Superficial shit like dressing myself fell to the way side, and disturbing past times like discontinuing to shave my legs to see how hairy they could get just seemed right.

When I started my current job a little over a year ago, I was thrust into a world where a certain standard of presentability was expected. Having a history of innately rebelling against superficial codes of conformity, my initial response was to freak out, flail, and find some way to stick it to somebody, or something, somewhere. While I had no choice but to adhere to wearing casual office attire, I decided the best way for me to RESIST! was to continue to dress like a dude. Except now I would dress like a classy dude.

My mother, who stood by me as I travelled this tumultuous journey, was supportive, and she suggested I model my new wardrobe after Ellen.

Ellen DeGeneres.

 

 

I was receptive to Mom's suggestion; Ellen is undeniably handsome. But when I stood in front of the mirror clad in loafers and a dress shirt that screamed TESTICLES!, I realized it wasn't dressing like a dude that I liked.

No.

I wanted to dress like a  sixteen year old skateboarder circa 1995.

 

 

No, wait. That's not entirely correct.

I didn't just want to dress like a vintage, sixteen year old skateboarder, I wanted to dress like the love child of a skateboarder who had immaculately conceived a bum-baby with a lumberjack bear named Biff.

 

 

I officially crossed Classy Dude off my fashion inspiration board, and I accepted the fact that my best bet was to resort back to dressing like a heterosexual woman.

 

Sigh.

Those who met me within the last six years will be surprised to learn that at one point I had style. Now that I was re-entering the world of chick-wear, I realized that I had lost all sense of my fashion coordinates and was walking in circles like a runway model at a People of Wal-Mart fashion show. I also realized that the people in my life didn't actually love me, because if they did, I would have already been on a flight to New York City to get therapeautically belittled by Stacy and Clinton in the 360 degree mirror.

After the trials and errors of learning how to dress myself as a teen, from posing as a 65 year old, Frasier loving male, to eventually dressing like an underage, Russian prostitute, I did come to develop a strong understanding of the shape of my body and the importance of enhancing my silhouette. Now I didn't know shit. While the general shape of my body remained, I was ten to fifteen pounds heavier. It wasn't that I disliked my curvier dimensions, I just didn't know what to do with them. As small town, shopping mall fashion desperately attempted to swoon the teen market, it seemed as though they had overlooked women with curves, aside from (maybe?) the plus-sized niche, but I'm confident that many plus sized women could write a 30-page essay for the Journal of Why Can't They Make Cool Shit That Flatters My Figure, Too?

For the first few months of the new job I hobbled around in ill-fitting, business-casual attire that swaddled my soul like a death cloth. But that wasn't the worst of it. For the first time in my life I not only experienced what it was like to sit at attention in an office chair for eight hours a day, but I also experienced the pain of sitting in stiff, tight fitting pants that wedgied around my crotch, battering my porkchop as if I had been a victim in a Toddler With a Bat reel on America's Funniest Home Videos.

 


Things began to look up when I discovered the versatility/ comfortability of black leggings (in conjunction with bodycon minis and boots), a discovery that was prompted by my boss' habit of stating, "GET OUT YOUR STRETCH PANTS, GIRLS!," when she'd return to the office with donuts and homemade desserts called Lard on the Beach, and I Can No Longer See My Lemon cake. Since discovering leggings, my fashion angst has greatly diminished, and I half-assedly feel like I'm getting back on track to being a girl.

A few weeks ago my best gay, Will and I were discussing our tendencies to immediately divert our eyes to people's asses when people watching, and I made some stereotypical girl comment about my blossoming Bonita Applebum.

"Please," Will said. "You just look more ethnic."

 

 

Will's herione, Celine Dion asks, "but ain't that bitch white?"

 

Since I now live in redneck, White Person Land, the white-girl box of beauty ideals surrounds me like a claustrophobic dressing room with a distorted mirror and track lighting, but Will's comment removed me from my temporary mind-fuck and reminded me of the world that extends far beyond, and the diverse beauty it encapsulates-- or some shit like that.

More than anything, I was stoked that Will had unknowingly made it "okay" for me, a pasty white girl to classify my figure as 'ethnic'. This set a whole new politically incorrect precedence for me to burst out of a change room, throw a pair of jeans at an equally white sales girl, and make the declaration that due to the fit of their jeans pinching my "jelly", I could no longer shop at their establishment and support their refusal to celebrate ethnically diverse body shapes. Awesome, huh? So wrong it almost seems right.

The road to fashion rehabilitation has been a long one, and while I still occasionally revert back to Carhartt work pants and a plaid lumberjack coat, I do feel as though I've returned to a balanced ground of fashion-appropriateness. Hopefully this will be a starting point for me to regain some creative inspiration and have fun with clothes again.

 

Camel toes.

 

Thursday
Feb212013

Smoke and Mirrors and Guns . . . and a Totalitarian Police State?: State of the Union Address 2013

The Hope-nosis Continues

On February 12th was the Obaminator's fifth State of the Union Address since joining the Masters of the Universe, and it played out like Kumbayah on a left handed guitar. The mesmerizing hope-nosis of B.O.'s smoke and mirrors took me back to his first round of presidency, when I, and many others, buzzed on the prospect of change, not only for the U.S., but also for the countries that are both directly and indirectly affected by the American hegemony (which covers pretty much all of us).

But the change that has materialized, and continues to materialize is not the change sold to the American people by the Obaminator, which is no surprise. We now acknowledge that many of these political figures are merely puppets who are bought and owned. Instead, the change has sprouted from the stagnant pile of shit that sits smoldering in the heat, shrouded beneath an empiric veil; it's the change that is stemming from the increasing number of people who are awakening to the growing stench of bullshit.

B.O.'s speech seemed to follow two themes, I) The government is your sugar daddy and we care, II) We need to control you and infringe on your rights to keep you safe from "threats"-- a common model of mind-massage used to foster social control.

 

B.O.'s Key Points and Related Links

1. Tax reform: We care.

2. Immigration reform: Open arms.

3. Federally funded pre-school and education reform: We Care.

4. The development of sustainable sources of energy: We care.

5. Raising the minimum wage: We care.

6. Jobs: Change. Hope. Change. Hope. Change. Hope.

7. Troops out of Afghanistan by 2014: You're welcome. And by the way . . .

8. Cyber-security: We'll protect you from threats against America. And your neighbours. And yourselves.

9. Gun Control: We'll protect you from your neighbours and yourselves.

The Obaminator wrapped up his State of the Union speech by revisiting the issue of gun control as  cameras panned to the dozens of strategically placed victims of gun violence who sat in attendance. The wafting aroma of shit came from the hypocrisies behind Obama's demand for tighter gun control.

Like providing Mexican Drug Lords with semi-automatic weapons under the gun-running operation, Fast and Furious:

And of course, this:

And this:

 

Looking Deeper Down the Barrel

Evidence suggests that the American government doesn't actually care about the killing of innocent civilians (children included), and that evidence is in their systemic, on going actions.

If we take basic, human morality out of the equation, or value for human life, where does that position the American government in this resurgence of the gun debate? Are they truly attempting to validate the democratic voice of the people? To ease public fear and restore a sense of "justice"? On the flip side, the American people are passionate of their Second Amendment (which was put in place to empower civilians to potentially organize and defend themselves if the government were to become tyrannical), and backlash from pro-gunners is strong.

But the true reason why this push for gun control smells like bullshit is the government orchestrated, augmental descend into a fascist, police state.

Sound dramatic? According to history, it's not. The above article by Naomi Wolf, which is a synopsis of her book End of America: Letter of Warning to a Young Patriot, offers a starting point to understanding what the freak-out is about, and it was also adapted into a documentary that is accessible on youtube.

The tightening of gun control was predicted prior to Aurora or Sandy Hook because it is as an incremental piece to the government's on going agenda to gradually "close" American society, one freedom at a time, under the gentle guise of protecting people from some threat. If the government is at the point where it's gearing up potentially weaponized drones to surveil everyday, American civilians, disarming the civilians is a given, and it's the patternized predictability of this shit that is becoming truly, fucking terrifying.

 

Tuesday
Feb192013

Canadian House of Commons Discuss Zombie Resistance

We, the Canadians, have had few moments of pride since Emperor Harper's Styrofoam bucket-hair and anti-democratic ominous bills, but watching this brief address in the House of Commons makes me want to grab a twelve pack of Pilsner, saddle up the sled dogs, and go for a joy ride around the igloo complex while singing Gordon Lightfoot's The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

Despite my thrill (and eagerness to sign up for the Canadian Military Zombie Resistance Forces), David Frum, AKA Zombie Pacifist of the National Post took a different stance:

Zombies face a frightening humanitarian crisis — aggravated, it may be said, by the sanctions and boycotts imposed on them by living people who refuse to accept the need for coexistence with their mindless, flesh-eating neighbours.

And to that I say . . .

Pussy.

Saturday
Jan122013

A Feminist Fuck You: (Middle) Fingering 'I Acknowledge Class Warfare Exists'

The resurrection of western collectives giving a fuck (the most recognizable example being Occupy, and more recently, Idle No More) has been exciting for the combat boot wearing, teenage girl I used to be.

The most invigorating part has been watching different sectors of the global community unify around common issues and macro goals, which I never thought I'd see in my life time (I grew up as a child prodigy pessimist-- "gift from God" level). I've experienced times of elation when I've raised my fist and growled, "we're uniting! Being a feminist isn't going to be so lonely anymore!" I was even naive enough to hope to leave feminism behind (the label, the gender specificity, the polarizing "us VS. them" hiccups, the shoulder pads). After all, systemic gender issues are merely a side effect of a larger, more fragrant shit pile, and I was stoked at the prospect of incrementally challenging the origin of the cesspool as a larger, more diverse collective.

Fucking the system is so much fun.

With this gestating social shift has come an increasing presence of independent, DIY "journalism," largely thanks to social media. I started reading a website called I Acknowledge Class Warfare Exists, among a slew of others, and I've been following IACWE's Facebook feed for at least a year. At times I've found IACWE to be uncritically biased-- blow-jobbing Obama, excessive anti-gun banter-- but what has really grated on me is the odd, snide comment about women's issues strewn among exposure for, and support of, women's rights. Recently IACWE posted this on their Facebook feed:  

1.

A "fan" of this page actually wrote this today during our recent thread on not banning people.

"I think a lot of white men are not used to have women talk back to them probably because they watch to much sadistic porn. They seem think that women are created to serve them and when someone tells them differently they get really angry because they realize how pathetic they are in the real world when they can't pay people to "shut up and take it"."

This is what I refer to as a Feminist Oh-Shit Moment: when someone gets hyped up on middle-finger PCP, and publicly "sticks it to the boys" in some over-generalizing, stereotypical way, and the rest of us think, oh shit.

Did Faceless, Internet Entity just call The White Boys pathetic?

Did Faceless, Internet Entity just bash PORN?

Did Faceless, Internet Entity just bash the White Boys' sexy time with porn?!

Then we swallow the lump of horror in our throats . . .

grab our bug-out bags . . .

and we mother-fucking run.

Because as we already know, anyone who hetero-white-boy bashes in regards to women or gender (no matter how Jersey Shore the bashing may be), automatically becomes an ordained spokesperson for the feminist community and a representative of every feminist on planet earth in the universe. And those man-hating, baby-eating, witch, lesbian, Satanist, "Feminazis" will pay.

So, IACWE dedicated a reactionary segment to "Feminism."

AKA: Revenge-Fuck the Feminists Day

And the passive-aggressive fisting began:

1.

"First - pornography does not create a bunch of anti-feminists. That's one of the most ridiculous things I've heard in a long time. Men and women both watch pornography."

It's true that there isn't one thing that simply "creates" another thing in the arena of social sciences. That being said, there is no way to substantiated the claim that porn does not trigger or compound some people's misogynist mentalities. That, however, does not mean porn is "bad." In the world of, well . . .  grade 9 + academia, it is expected that you actually support your argument with some sort of information, and pointing out that men and women both watch porn, fails to challenge or contribute to the validity of either statement.

Critical media analysis skills are vital and consciousness of this is on the up-rise. But porn seems to fall into a DON'T GO THERE zone. I've witnessed otherwise media-critical men shut down intellectual discussion regarding porn as if the mere notion of being media-literate of it, of being aware of its potential down-sides, is absolutely ridiculous, like IACWE did here. When a hefty demographic can acknowledge the role of media in the implementation of class warfare, and yet turn around and hissy-fit when someone takes a jab at porn (and in more moderate and intellectual methods than Faceless Internet Entity did here), it's a red flag that we're dealing with some serious, societal mind-fuck.

My favourite analytical piece on porn is Douglas Haddow's Pornocalypse Now,  which was published in Adbusters years ago. Originally I was going to post that link and move on. I don't like critically dipping into porn. I strongly believe in the freedom of sexual expression, and since porn falls into this vast, grey area, and is, in itself hugely diverse, giving intellectual attention to it (as a woman, anyway) inevitably leads to misconstruation and defensiveness. More than anything, I don't want to be tied to a chair weighted down by rocks and thrown into a body of water to see if I'll float.

But while writing this I began reading a book by Chris Hedges called Empire of Illusion, which dedicates 1/5 of its focus to the critical exploration of modern porn. Aside from first-hand accounts from porn actresses discussing HIV, Herpes, HPV; uterus hemorrhages, vaginal and anal tears that require surgery, "women having their insides coming out of them," infections from "ATM," women getting PTSD, etc., Hedge cites the following:

  • World wide porn revenues hit $97 billion in 2006 (According to the Internet Filter Review).
  • General Motors (owns DIRECTV) and AT&T absorb about 80 percent of all consumer porn dollars.

And the porn industry has nothing to do with class warfare?

For those who are supposedly well-versed in socio-economic and political issues, and who are posing as advocates for freedom, like IACWE, it's "ridiculous" for them to shut down the analysis of porn, or to freeze it out of discussion. Love it or hate it, porn is corporate. Porn is like the cum-crustied poster-child of the elite's ultimate, capitalist lie. Porn is one of the many swords of class warfare. 

2.

"Lots of women choose to objectify themselves by working at breastaurants and strip clubs or as escorts. That's their decision and no it is not because "the man" was keeping them down. Make a decision and own it because if you can work in a strip club - you can work at McDonalds. And guys who go to strip clubs aren't worse human beings than people who choose not to frequent them."

.  .  .  .  .  . oh, sorry. I was busy filling out my application for employment at McDonalds. I just read that McDonalds' wages now match the wage of sex workers, and fuck, am I ever stoked. I'm also stoked for all those unemployed, middle-class born, American white dudes with $50, 000 worth of student debt who are complaining about "class warfare." They can also work at McDonalds-- it's not like "the man" is keeping them down.

It's interesting to read that, according to IACWE, all women who work in the sex industry have consciously "chosen to objectify themselves" instead of following other feasible opportunities. Apparently IACWE is overlooking, or just doesn't give a shit about the potential interplay of deeper, systemic issues, such as:

  • The social conditioning (largely via media) that a woman's number one asset is her appearance and sexuality, which is constantly reinforced ad nauseum, and is financially rewarded.
  • The possibility that entry level (typically part-time) jobs, like jobs in the fast food industry, may not offer wages that would allow for financial sustainability.
  • Women with histories that involve childhood abuse, homelessness and severe poverty, drug abuse, etc.

.  .  .  .  .  . to name a few examples.

But the truly cold part of IACWE's poorly conceptualized statement is the notion that while women are responsible for their own objectification in these roles, the men who "frequently" utilize the services of these women are void of any responsibility for objectifying them.

Sure, I can half-assedly get behind Fantasia Cockateaze owning her career gig, but listen here, mother-fuckers, if you're "frequently" paying Fantasia Cockateaze to grind her ass in your face and pretend she likes you, you better own that shit, too.

'Cause that, my friends, is a shining example of gender bias and gently packaged slut-shaming.

3.

"What does being a feminist mean to you and can it go to far? I've always considered myself a feminist but I do hate when someone blames everyone else for their circumstances as in using it to deflect responsibility."

Too hypocritically narcissistic for me to comment on.

 

4.

"I see that women are more than likely to remain in poverty than men; I think that has everything to do with their being more likely to be the caretaker of children. A guy pays child support (if the woman is lucky) but that is far, far easier to do than taking care of a kid by yourself. Were the "gender roles" reversed and men had to get pregnant and then breastfeed and take care of the children .... I suspect that men would be more likely to be in poverty. That's just my gut feeling."

IACWE seems confused as to what gender roles are. Biological factors, such as conception/ pregnancy is not a gender role. An extreme example of a gender role is, "bitch go make me a sandwich." While some gender roles may stem from common feminine or masculine traits, gender roles are a transformative social construction, and vary among cultures.

The amalgamation of child birth, child care, and traditional gender roles does play a role in women's impoverishment, but it's not really about the babies. And I say that because indigenous, matriarchal cultures do still exist. What this is really about is capitalist-industrialism, which partners with the patriarchal political system. One characteristic of the development of the working class, which came about in the nineteenth century, was the segmentation of the working class by race, religion, ethnicity, age, and gender; women and children were assigned to the lowest paying and crappiest work. There are many facets to women and poverty (and race and poverty) that vary from culture to culture, and transform over time, but all lead back to one thing: the notion that some groups are less than. There is a lot of literature on this topic that extends beyond someone's "gut feeling," but yeah, IACWE, . . .  babies . . . a gut feeling . . . totally.

5.

"#1 - Who is more responsible for "slut shaming" in American society - women or men?

#2 - Should "slut shaming" exist in a modern society where we denounce gender stereotypes?

#3 - Are self proclaimed "feminists" more likely or less likely to support promiscuity?

#4 - Is it better or worse to live in a world where a woman is able to pursue her sexuality without having to be pigeon holed as being a slut?"

I just had a bore-gasm; does that make me a slut?!

If we're truly at the consensus that people should have equal rights and freedoms regardless of race, ethnicity, gender, and sexual orientation (something IACWE supposedly advocates), how the fuck are these discussion prompts not patronizingly hypocritical? "Should slut-shamming exist?"-- REALLY? Slut-shaming, whether displayed by men or women, is a control tactic that stems from fear. It has history, and it is systemic. If you clean off the bullshit surrounding prompt #4, what they're really asking is, "is it good or bad to live in a world where women have the same sexual freedoms as men?" Imagine the shit-show if the sexes were reversed in that prompt.

Instead of acknowledging sexual gender biases and inciting exploratory discussion surrounding "slut-shaming," IACWE has actually validated sexual gender biases as potentially being substantiated, of potentially having worth, and in doing so, have given them power.

Conclusion:

IACWE may only be one independent media source, but their "revenge-fuck" was a reality check. While I don't expect every Joe Schmo to have an interest/ understanding of this stuff, I do expect understanding from people who are speaking to 132,000 followers (oh sorry, 138, 000 now) and posing as experts of class warfare. If the education is not there, I expect humility and empathy. I expect an interest to learn. I expect a display of humanity that exceeds the lame-ness of our political forefathers. Or Fox News. I expect this because I have a brain and a heart, a self-esteem, and a standard for moral justice.

Feminism is acknowledging class warfare; feminists were fighting for freedom and equality, and debunking systemic bullshit long before these Gen Y Amurikans began feeling personally slighted by the system. For IACWE to patronize feminists is a betrayal. While I'm typically perceived as the Gentle Feminist, making cock jokes with the boys and embracing commonalities regardless of where people's values may lay (if we latch onto our differences rather than our similarities, we're fucked), I'm also not going to play the part of some boys club appeasing sell-out who smiles while waiting for the mind-fucked sheeple to stop degrading me. To stop degrading us.

So . . .

Fuck you, I Acknowledge Class Warfare Exists.

No, you heard me-- f-u-c-k y-o-u.

 

We allow our ignorance to prevail upon us and make us think we can survive alone, alone in patches, alone in groups, alone in races, even alone in genders. - Maya Angelou


Sunday
Dec232012

December 21, 2012

 

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