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A Cat Lady’s Revenge On the Traditional Family Christmas Letter

Holiday greetings from Holy-Fuck-the-Weather-Sucks, Alberta.

The past year held so many joyous achievements for the Manifesto family. Please grab a pen to make jot notes while I recite them to you in detail.
Sophie-Bear was inducted into the Cutest Kitty to Ever Exist Hall of Fame and was formally recognized as ‘the perfection that hails from the gold-dusted flatulence of the highest ranking archangel.’ There are now plans underway to erect a statue of her in Cairo, Egypt, the ancient home of ultimate cat worship, that will be approximately the size of a Clydesdale horse and coated in 10K gold. But I hear your fifth born attended his first Mommy and Me aquatics lesson at the local rec centre – gosh, you must be so proud.

In addition to Sophie’s achievements, our household busied with the buzz of Snorticus Maximus, who attracted the attention of Internet Entertainment Cat Agencies from around the world. Ultimately we decided it was best for Snort to leave cat-stardom for the next inexplicably perfect, feline specimen, if by some chance a cat of her magnitude should ever exist again.


cat3As expected, Snort was disappointed, but she has come to understand that it is I, her mother, who made the true sacrifice to remain working in a fluorescent lit, cubicle jail to protect her from being pimped like a cat-child, show-biz whore, thus robbing her of her kittyhood and potentially molding her into a waste-of-fur asshole. Thankfully she is a cat and will never scream the words “fuck you, you wrecked my life!” like your children will when they reach the age of thirteen.

Sophie also has a new love interest, a reputable long haired stud named Colonel Meow, AKA Sasquatch Cat, whom she met through Snort’s exposure to ‘the industry.’ There was discussion of Sophie appearing with Squatch in Grumpy Cat’s upcoming Christmas special titled, It’s Beginning to Look A lot Like . . . Fuck This, but Squatch was recently busted with a couple ounces of cat-nip and has since been pulled from the documentary. We will continue to fight for kitty rights and raise awareness of the medicinal benefits of cat-nip.

2013 was a true blessing to our family and we hope you’re loving life as much as we are in our first world bubble of perfection. Now it’s time to crack a beer, openly use the c-word without having the word recycled in front of a third grade teacher, and then sleep in as late as I fucking want.

The Manifesto Family

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