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Thursday
Oct252012

Halloween Goodies: Shit That Should Not Occur In Nature

Halloween is almost here, and in many parts of Canada (the prairie provinces, for sure), this is the time of year when winter shits on us. Part of growing up Canadian is experiencing the disappointment of having to wear a snow suit under your Halloween costume, or having to down grade from "slutty nurse" to "sexy nurse" as to avoid hypothermia, or simply knowing that the next six months of your life are going to be revolved around shitty roads, wind chills, and discomfort. But there are times during our summers when I count my blessings and mutter "thank god for winter," when I realize the magnitude of what some other civilizations have to endure, and those moments occur when I come across an unusually large, mutant (possibly demon) insect.

Indeed, the creepy crawlies are at a minimum here in Canada, and the most shudder-worthy I have to endure are the Orb spiders, also referred to as "Canadian Wood spiders" in the following video.

 [No, really, watch it.]

I can deal with a few crack spiders inhabiting crack webs on my balcony and making marijuana spiders their bitches, but I cannot fathom how the average Australian deals with the psychological nightmare of co-habiting with spiders that are large enough to swallow their face. This is probably why Australians don't typically celebrate Halloween-- shit is scary enough already in the land of Oz.

Unfortunately it gets worse than these (sometimes) deadly, steroided, eight legged gifts of nature that throw around their weight in the Australian bush land. For example, SPIDERS THAT EAT BIRDS, like the Golden Orb Weaver of . . . oh wait, I guess these guys hang out in Australia, too.

Nature . . . beautiful, isn't it?

This next spider, a Camel spider, doesn't seem like a full-blooded arachnid, but more like the result of a bird-eating spider engaging in sexy time with a desert crab, or possibly a mutant scorpion from a B horror movie. Nonetheless, that doesn't minimize the nightmare factor of these Iraqi creatures from Hell.

If you haven't barfed yet, here is a (questionable) photo of a mutant, dooms day spider supposedly discovered in Manchester, UK (huh?) that supposedly had the fire brigade searching for Jesus when they showed up to the call. If this photo is legit, this spider is obviously from the sixth level of the Dulce base, or some alter-dimension where demons ride dinosaurs. Either way, awesome for the imagination-- that's what Halloween is all about, isn't it?

Here are some goodies from a thread I found titled, Giant Spiders that were posted by PhoenixOD; a member of AboveTopSecret.com [http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread759007/pg2#pid12471488]:

1948: Leesville, Louisiana, United States
William Slaydon and his grandchildren were walking north on Highway 171 to church when he motioned them to stop. After hearing a rustling in the bushes ahead a spider described as being the size of a washtub emerged and crossed the road. One of the grandchildren would later tell this story to his own son, Todd Partain, director of the documentary film "Eyes In The Dark: The Sasquatch Experience."

20th Century: Black Hills, Dakotas, United States
A woman related a similar story of a giant spider crossing a remote road. It is described as being as least as wide as one lane of the road.

1970: Cambodia
A Green Beret says that while on a mission he heard a rustling in the foliage ahead of him. Thinking it was a Viet Cong soldier he got into a firing position and put on night vision goggles. A spider "as big as a small 4 wheel ATV" was visible about ten feet from him. It soon vanished into the forest.

2001: Cameroon
Timbo, chief of the Baka tribe in Cameroon tells Williams Gibbons that in November 2000 a J'ba Fofi had built a nest near their village.

2011: Amazon
British cinematographer Richard Terry travelled to the Amazon to investigate reports of giant spiders in the June 13th episode of Man V Monster. At a remote village he was informed that giant spiders lived in holes deep within the jungle and measured roughly four feet in diameter.

Reader Comments (3)

I couldn't even watch the video, too afraid of spiders. Ugh...So glad we don't have truly nasty ones here compared to other places, especially since a spider you can barely even see is generally enough to have me running in the opposite direction! There are many places in the world I would NOT be able to live because of the creepy crawlies...

Oct 27, 2012 at 1:00 AM | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

Me too! I try to keep this in mind when I start envying warmer climates. As for the video, you should really watch it-- it's an LOLer, minimal legit spiders, and the legit spiders that are filmed in it are mini :)

Oct 27, 2012 at 9:18 AM | Unregistered CommenterLojo

I had one bigger than my hand spread out as far as possible that lived in my bathroom in Dhaka. Apparently it was a medium one. I named him Garry. One day he fell in the hole in the floor that was my toilet.

But! Before he fell down the hole, I watched him scuttle down part of the wall, JUMP to the floor, scuttle some more, JUMP up to the other wall, and scuttle yet more up to the ceiling. All the while I'm yelling "YOU GUYS NEED TO GET IN HERE AND SEE THIS BIG ASS SPIDER! Guys? Guys?"

Oct 29, 2012 at 7:52 PM | Unregistered CommenterPatZ

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