Making Stupid Laws In Attempt To Eliminate Stupidity

On September 1st, the Government of Alberta implemented The Distracted Driving Law.

Prior to the implementation of this new legislation, the bitching of Albertan citizens could be overheard in Cape Spear, Newfoundland, vibrating the ears of Atlantic fishermen like a swarm of frustrated mosquitoes.

Albertans don't like being told what to do, and this is one of the reasons why Alberta was an attractive destination for me to call home.

Because I am my father's daughter.

Because I am stubborn.

 

Rumors regarding the pending Distracted Driving Law spread through day to day conversation and media outlets, including the on going rantings of our local radio jockeys.

"Chicken McNuggets are allowed, but no Big Macs."

"Cheeseburgers?! What about cheese burgers?!"

- Laura and I

"Well, if they're going to tell me that changing the radio station is too much of a distraction, they may as well ban my children from the vehicle, as well."

-Frustrated Sales Woman from The Source

"If I get pulled over for changing the song on my MP3 player, I'm not only going to get a ticket for Distracted Driving, I am also going to be charged with Assault of a Police Officer."

-Me

But Albertans' true touchy spot was the impending threat of having our Tim Hortons coffee taken away. Because driving while drinking Cocaine infused coffee out of paper cup with a technologically retarded lid and inevitably dumping at least some of that coffee in our lap, or sometimes all over our face, is simply what we do here.

Even the Distracted Driving Law's Do's and Don'ts check list that was fed to my Facebook via the Alberta Government was confusing, hypocritical, and wishy washier than one of my bosses attempting to give an answer to a question.

And so the Distracted Driving Law remained a heatedly debated mystery among the people of Alberta. All we knew was that come September 1st, we could get a traffic fine, for like, pretty much anything.

September 1st came and went, and I finally got a hold of a legitimate list of what the Distracted Driving Law includes. Despite the premature panicking of many Albertan people, the law is quite reasonable, and nothing near the Totalitarian law we were expecting to have to overthrow, Gorilla style.

Restricts drivers from:

• using hand-held cell phones
• texting or e-mailing
• using electronic devices like laptop computers, video games, cameras, video entertainment displays and programming portable audio players (e.g., MP3 players)
• entering information on GPS units
• reading printed materials in the vehicle
• writing, printing or sketching, and
• personal grooming
• Complements the current driving without due care and attention legislation
• Applies to all vehicles as defined by the Traffic Safety Act, including bicycles
• Applies to all roads in both urban and rural areas of the province

I can only assume that the restricted list also includes highway head, although I understand why they would hesitate to cite that on the Government web site. That's alright, Alberta Government, I'll do it for you:

• Restricts the receiving, and in particular, the administering of highway head while operating a vehicle, including bicycles.

More from the Government website:

We are not talking about penalizing drivers for taking a sip of coffee, chatting with passengers or blowing their nose. We are talking about drivers who decide to put themselves and others at risk by watching movies, browsing for and downloading 'apps', applying makeup or shaving all while trying to navigate through traffic.

These activities are not specifically restricted under the law:

• using a cell phone in hands-free mode - this means the device is not held in the driver's hand and is activated by voice or a single touch to the device
• using an earphone — if it is used in a hands-free or voice-activated manner
• drinking beverages, such as coffee, water or pop
• eating a snack
• smoking
• talking with passengers
• listening to a portable audio player

Etc.

Now that we know the true details of the Distracted Driving Law, we can assume that the following activities are still acceptable:

• Hand holding
• Children
• Babies
• Making kissy face
• Nipple twisters
• Air guitar
• Air rock band
• Giving the finger
• Dropping one's burning cigarette in one's lap
• Listening to music so loud you cannot hear the sirens of emergency vehicles
• Wincing at Pro Life billboards

Obviously the Albertan Government had homicide prevention in mind when crafting the specifics of the new Distracted Driving Law, and I think we can all feel a sense of relief that we've maintained our freedom to dump Tim Horton's coffee all over our laps while playing air guitar to Tom Sawyer by Rush.

Comments

[PatZ]

yeah, but these:

drinking beverages, such as coffee, water or pop
eating a snack
smoking
talking with passengers
listening to a portable audio player

are discretionary based on each individual officer. You can still be ticketed if they feel that *any* activity they see you doing behind the wheel has caused you to operate your vehicle in an unsafe manner. they've purposely left parts of the law ambiguous to allow for this. Which is incredibly stupid, because you're more likely to be charged for driving without undue care or attention then and be slapped with a $400 ticket and not $172.

Plus, if you're ticketed for distracted driving, it doesn't go on your driver abstract. not a real big deal for most people, but at work, people are going fucking insane about that. The RCs and Sherriffs and our guys wanted to be able to pull up a commercial driver' abstract to see any charges they've had, and now they're saying "oh, dont bother with this one, but make sure we still know all the charges they've gotten. but forget this one. but kind of not."

and you know how many Distracted Driving tickets were handed out over the whole of the labour day long weekend? out of 3700 some odd total tickets? 29. That's 0.007% of all tickets. Edmonton Police handed out 3. I saw three people talking on phones/reading newspapers in my half block walk from the parking lot to my office the other day.

Yesterday I had a random thought about why the fast food industry hadn't took up arms and lobbied against it because they were afraid that no one would come through their drive thrus anymore...

[Lojo Manifesto]

Oh, I know, dude . . . I know. Evidently I didn't make my sarcasm throughout this article seething enough. Knah, it's all hypocritical, wishy washy bullshit. And it's the discretion of each individual officer that is the most irking to me. Any idea how the po-po's feel about this new law? Your random thought about the fast food industry lobbying against this has come up in conversation among my circle! Haha!