The Wolf Pack Says Goodbye to Stoneface

A few weeks ago my immediate supervisor at work, who I refer to as Stoneface (and I choose to write that publicly because I think if he were to ever read this he would agree that Stoneface is a fitting, derogatory name for him), left his position with the company and moved on to something that will potentially make him want to kill fewer people.

I congratulate him.

Unlike some of my superiors in the past, I respected Stoneface. Unlike the others, he was enthusiastic about getting my crew matching fanny packs. With our names written on them. With a Bedazzler. I also respected some of his stealthy tactics, like creating a horrible, soul piercing play list on Grooveshark (Britney Spears! Boy George! Britney Spears! Spice Girls! Spice Girls! Boy George!) that he played in the presence of the Day Associates, presumably to ignite suicidal thoughts. I, too, used this torture tactic in 2008 with the help of my crew mate and comrade, Mikel Jordan Nielson. Although our weapon of choice was three hours straight of uninhibited, commercial-free blue grass. Most of all, I will miss Stoneface's caustic jadedness because it is the thing that bonds me most with people in the work place-- the mutual feeling of, oh my god, where exactly did we go wrong in life?!

Before he left, Stoneface and I had our last meeting together to tie up any loose ends. He told me that I had some reviews to write for The Wolf Pack; The Wolf Pack is the night crew I work on, but please refer to them as The Wolf Pack.

"About those reviews," I said, ". . . could I give Laura extra points for wearing a wolf shirt?"

.      .      .

Later on, Stoneface pulled me into the general manager's office.

"Have you seen the Mountain Three Wolf Moon Shirt on Amazon?!"

"No," I responded.

Honestly, I hadn't.

Photo courtesy of Amazon

He motion me to huddle around the computer as he pulled it up on the internet and enthusiastically showed me the inspirational comments left by Amazon customers.  Sometime during the wolf celebration, he pulled out a bullshit button from underneath the desk and began tapping it-- for those who don't know, the bullshit button looks like a Staples Easy button, but instead recites comments about bullshit.

SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT SMELL LIKE BULLSHIT SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT

Then the Day Girl showed up at the office door. "Ummm. . ."

"Oh my god, you have to see the comment about wolves making panties drop."

SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT

"Ummm. . . , can I go home now?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure," Stoneface responded without taking his eyes off of the Mountain Three Wolf Moon shirt.

.      .      .

"So I asked Stoneface if I could give you extra points on your review for wearing a wolf shirt, and he said I could as long as I prove that it supports the company from a business perspective."

That's when Laura spat a mouthful of coffee all over the floor. "That's great, Linds. . . that's really great."

.      .      .

At the end of the meeting, Stoneface shook my hand before heading out the door.

"It's been a pleasure," he said.

"A pleasure."

"No, really."

"For sure."

"Well, sort of."

"Not really."

Side thought.

While pulling up the photo and link to Amazon's Mountain Three Wolf Moon shirt, I also stumbled upon these gems:

 Photo courtesy of Amazon

Photo courtesy of Amazon

Christmas can't come soon enough.

Comments

[Terri]

Hmm... pretty sure I owned that unicorn t-shirt when I was a child, or if not, one VERY much like it. I don't know whether to be embarrassed or really, really, proud!

[Lojo]

Proud. Definitely proud.