My Third Session With an Aura Ninja: Trying to Find Peace Among My Raging Hate
July 11, 2010 I went to my third session with the Aura Ninja today, and I was relieved to find out that the reason why I've wanted to do nothing but zone out on the couch in a pair of oversized sweatpants, scratch my imaginary scrotum, and watch a marathon of Intervention on A&E is because some ass kicking, albeit pink energy from an alter plain has zapped down to earth, spurred a shift in consciousness, and thrown everyone's chakras out of wack.
THANK GOD. Here I thought that I had just lost all motivation to function beyond Wal-Mart shopping mouth breather.
In my last session, Aura Ninja told me that he had tapped into my spirit guide, and I invision my manifested spirit guide to look something like this:
I call her Rita. Rita MacNeal.
He was stern in telling me that I need to clear my mind and get out of my head. Yeah, I got it, Aura Ninja. But how? "Meditate, meditate, meditate," he said.
Meditation is not easy when you're the spawn of Western society. When you have spent the majority of your life sitting in a desk under fluorescent lights being spoon fed anything and everything you don't really need to know about life. When the unstimulating nature of that experience conditioned you to use thought as a form of entertainment, like analyzing the cause of Mr. Cooper's scabby elbows. When you spent your post-secondary education learning how to critically analyze the intricacies of society and people, and then you walk away feeling like the only hope for humanity is the zombie apocalypse. When black sludge is pumping into the ocean. When things like American Idol exist. And Lindsay Lohan. No, meditation is not easy, and God knows it.
This is why he created narcotics.
So, I am struggling. Especially right now. Especially after receiving a bill for close to $1900 from the company who manages my condo so they can do unnecessary property maintenance and add some new shrubs where the old ones died because hiring capable landscapers made them le tired. This charge is on top of the condo fees I pay into on a monthly basis. On top of my mortgage payments. On top of the $1750 I just spent on property taxes. On top of the $1700 bill they charged me two years ago to bump up the reserve fund that my monthly fees go into. And just so I, and all the other owners know, pets are not allowed in these units unless they were "grand fathered in", okay? Which means that the dogs who have lived in these units preceding a certain date are welcome here-- welcome to drop logs in the common areas, like the massive dog dump that currently sits three feet from my patio. But indoor, squished faced cats with legs so stubby that they can barely make it on top of the toilet without falling into the garbage can next to it?
CHAOS! PUT THEM TO SLEEP AND JUST BE GRATEFUL THAT THE CONDO NAZIS ALLOWED ME TO PAY THE PRICE OF A SMALL, DETACHED HOUSE TO LIVE HERE. ALRIGHT, BITCH?!
Now I need to go stand in the common gazebo so I can pay a toll to be stripped naked, have my head shaved, and receive a forced enema.
Instead of clearing my mind and feeling the energy flow from arch angels, or Buddha, or Rita MacNeal, all I can do is think about how I will have to eat a diet of Kraft Dinner and pig anus for the next six months. Or making mental notes like, thank god I have that girl on my Twitter who does webcam porn, because who knows what I will have to do to financially appease The Condo Nazis and their desire for superb shrubbery. At least I have a contact, and as we all know, it's all about networking.
And then there is work, which at times, acts as my refuge from stress, and at other times, becomes this dark hole of wordly insignificance that I have no choice but to care more about than I want to. My once strong ability of crisis control is eroding and now I am scrambling, back tracking, and feeling quite alone as I make some hard realizations that I have shot myself in the foot by being over-the-top lackadaisical. Hard realizations like no matter what, I need to keep my bills paid and food on my table, that I have no plan B, that I need to stay above the water level so I can still concentrate on the things that are actually important to me.
I haven't been able to write lately, so Aura Ninja gave me some free light (the good shit that comes in white) and some brain fibre to help with my creative constipation by balancing my right and left brain. But despite the energy I felt vibrating the lids of my eyes, and some of the powerfully insightful advice that the Aura Ninja gives, it doesn't rid the fact that I am sure he is more than just a little bit crazy. My mom and I walked in when he was "preaching" and answering the neighbor's questions, and some of the shit that came out of his mouth was so outrageous that I had to avoid eye contact with my mom because I knew she'd give me that look and I'd burst into awkward, socially inappropriate laughter-- the kind of laughter that Melissa McMahon and I burst into in grade five when a woman conducting an extra curricular class mentioned sperm whales.
After the session was done and I was saying good bye to my mom as I walked to my car, I stopped.
"You know what that f!@#&!g f@$$!t did?!"
"Which one?" my mom asked empathetically.
It's always a bad sign when you refer to someone using language as crass as that in front of your mother and she still has to inquire as to who you are talking about.
"That douche bag I wasted my early twenties on."
"Oh no. What did he do now?"
"He sent me a facebook friends request-- for his photography page."
She gave me a puzzled look.
"In other words, he extended his hand to bless me with the ability to view, support, and help promote his photography, and in return, he can have access to my personal facebook account. He hasn't spoken to me since 2008! Not even a hey, how's it goin'? What's new? Haven't I given him enough support?! What am I? A fucking support whore?!"
"You gotta get over it, Linds. Try to think positively and surround yourself with light."
My mom and I have spent WAY too much time with the Aura Ninja.
"I have gotten over it. . . got over it long ago. I just wish he'd f!@$%#* f!@$ &^* !!" Then I said some other more inappropriately hateful things. Okay, inappropriately violent things that I probably shouldn't have said, but shit, sometimes a woman hits her maximum bullshit capacity and she needs to relieve herself.
Maybe I haven't gotten over it. Maybe I haven't gotten over all the cutting words. The disgusted looks. Being degraded in front of his friends. In front of my friends. Being treated like an incapable air head to the point where I actually started to believe it. Maybe I haven't gotten over the betrayal. The remorseless lies. Being ignored. The stress of his irrationality and toxicity. Being at fault for anything and everything. Being so despised but not being let go.
If you regularly read this blog, then you know that it is rare for me to outwardly shit-write about people who I personally know. But at this junction, I no longer care about seeming catty or slanderous. I feel like standing on a roof top and screaming, "YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH. IT'S DONE. DEAD. FOR GOOD."
Instead of feeling resolution about those years, or gaining deeper insight about the purpose of that relationship, I feel more anger looking back than I do peace. As I grow older and wiser, I truly realize the severity of how degraded I was. How stunted my growth was. How he stifled me. Censored me. Made me feel guilty simply for being me. He manipulated me and tore me down to a shell. And that, my friends, is not just disintegration based on incongruent personalities or life directions, that's fucking personal.
Most of all, I am angry at myself for allowing it to happen.
Until recently, I hadn't given him much thought. Not for a long time. I've been in two relationships since him. I am happier now. Healthier. I am a completely different person. But suddenly he's popping up in my facebook feed and it feels like I am passing him on the street every day. If he had sent me an invite to his personal page, I wouldn't have accepted, but I would have written a friendly reply and had no bad feelings about the person he is today. However, reaching out to use me as one of the members of his cheer leading squad so he can go back to perpetuating the illusion of who he wishes he was is completely insulting to me. That kind of socially graceless, ego masturbation is the kind of man-pussy bullshit I know him for, and it nauseates me to realize that he hasn't surpassed that. It's great that he's pursuing something, but I have no interest in giving him or his endeavors my attention or support. Nowadays I actually have standards as to how I am treated.
I guess it's time to utilize the "block" button, after all.
If I could spend an hour cleansing myself of some of this negativity by sinking into Rita MacNeal's higher vibrations, I would. But I just can't do it. Not right now. This week the negative shit wins.
aura ninja in rant, reflections
Reader Comments (6)
Life threw a lot of shit at me this week, too. Sometimes it feels like it's too much. In fact, I think everyone's been having a weird couple of weeks. And financial stress is one of the worst, because it's like a dark cloud that hangs over your head, that you can't do anything to get rid of, because distracting yourself costs money, which makes you feel worse.
Matt's new position started on Monday, so we wanted to buy a celebratory new TV, since our old shitty one is starting to fail. We deserve it, we've been scraping by for the last year, and after all the hard work and shitty financial times, we should reward ourselves. Then, as if to foil our plans, our DICKHEAD landlord calls to tells us that his laundry machines in his rentals are costing him "too much to maintain" (probably because they're from fucking 1982) and he was going to remove them and leave us responsible to deal with our own laundry situation. And no, we won't be receiving a rent deduction. So now we have to decide between buying ourselves new appliances so we can wash our clothes, or rewarding our months of tough life with a new toy. Shit.
And last week, a friend was telling me how H&R Block fucked up his taxes, gave him his $1900 return on the spot, and then a month later, he received an audit letter from Canada Revenue saying he owed them $1400. Then H&R Block sent him a letter "Sorry, we fucked it up, you'll have to pay us back." AND THEN he got a DUI, has a $1950 fine and can't drive for 1 year. So one of those is pretty bad, but all three? In regard to the tax issue, he said that he should quit his jobs and go on social assistance, because it would be easier than dealing with all this kind of bullshit.
I love the "new" Lojo, and for years, I hoped/knew that this person you are now is the person you always were. So glad to have you, stick around a while.
Thanks, cat-robot. CHEST BUMP!
I really, sincerely hate money. Or lack their of. And then throw in the desire to follow some dork-ass passion, and shit, sometimes I wonder if I will ever financially ascend beyond where I am now. There are certain things I want in my life but can't, or in most cases, will not do/ have them until I am more financially secure. So, basically I am stuck in a perpetual state of adolescence strictly due to money. Kind of lame, really.
I want to run over your landlord in my chachie Mustang while wearing my chachie Mustang shirt. Then I want to put it in reverse and run over him again. What an idiot. A douche-idiot. Are you guys in a lease?
I feel for your friend. That hugely blows. BearFace 2 just got a letter from the government saying he owes a hefty lump because either he, or they, fucked up his EI when he was on/off from work last season. I assume it was actually them who fucked up, because some of his co-workers have to pay back the same amount that he does.
Sigh. Just. . . sigh.
Financial woes are awful. I don't know how much of my life I waste away worrying about money, where the money for this bill or that bill is going to come from (always the same place obviously) - but it's still always there. Picking away at my mind. Add to the fact the frustrations related to Kyle working a job that he is way over qualified for, a job that does nothing for his mind, fueling his passions, self-esteem, self-worth, etc. It's frustrating for me alone . He despises being there but then again he has applied for numerous jobs, anything that he sees that is even a teeny step above where he's at now. He also realizes that for now it pays the bills - barely - but it does.
I like to think I have a good handle on my life and what happens in it, and so when that rude ole' money throws ridiculous, disrespectful curve balls, it throws me off and I get super bummed out. Throwing in a little bambino in a few months + financial b-s also ups the ante. My whole 'trying to stay positive' shtick on this financial sludge is that OK, I will never be on the street, I have good family support, I will always have food on the table. I have the necessities, and really, I have more than that. But is it wrong to sometimes want more than that? Blargh.
Sorry you're going through all this :(
I think in a lot of ways, from the sounds of things, you HAVE gotten over your ex and all the a-hole things he did to you. But in the grand scheme of things it hasn't been all that long since you went through it, so it's only natural that you'd still have hard feelings about it. On the one hand I'm totally over all the rotten things my first boyfriend put me through at the age of 14/15, but if I really really think hard about the things he put me through and the lasting effects he had on my life, it can still get to me - and that was 15 years ago!! I definitely don't feel angry anymore because so much time has passed, I don't want you to expect to be ragey about your ex that many years later. I just mean to say that time does make it easier, but once an a-hole always an a-hole and it's hard to ever think differently about a person who caused you that much pain. You ARE a stronger person because of it though, and he's the douche-bag, so you always have that!
Take care. XOXO
Ok first note to Twitch: Get your friend to read the "contract" with H&R, if they did the taxes and messed up they have to pay it's the law. Because unless it's different than AB, in their contract it states that if they mess up they have to pay. If he/she can't get that working, I would threaten to sue. The whole purpose of getting an accredited accountant is so that they are there to make sure everything is completed properly.
Lojo: I am guessing we are talking about the dude I am thinking of. Best thing I can say from all that, is I know I got to meet you.p.s if it makes you feel any better his "fav hat" that he forgot in our car, we threw it in the garbage! JUSTICE! And it's true you do look like you could be a part of the holograms and for that... that's better than anything money can buy! ps. crappy jobs that you are OVER educated for, blow.... trust me I know.
Trista: I know, it's so tough :( Yesterday my Mom commented as to how much harder it is for our generation versus her generation (the baby boombers): housing, vehicles, and post-secondary education were reasonably priced, earning a university degree meant getting a good job, etc. We live in a completely different world now-- the erosion of the middle class. I very much empathize with Kyle (and consequently your) situation, and I am sure the other people who commented on this post can empathize, too. You guys aren't alone. Being a long term overqualified-er, the best advice I can give Kyle is to, of course, always keep reaching for his goals and puttering with his passions, regardless of what job he's working to pay the bills at the time, and, most of all, never buy into the notion that the job he's working to pay the bills somehow defines him. It doesn't. It took me years to shake off that myth-- it clung to my self worth like a cancer. Many of us are in the same boat as Kyle. We understand that it's plain and simple TOUGH. And no, I don't think it's wrong to want more out of life. I think many of us want the dream: financial stability, doing something that is important to us, having a family, etc. I just don't think that we were expecting it to be *this* tough.
Liz: Gotta say that after writing that rant about my past relationship, I feel a weight lifted off of me. I guess I was in need of a dramatic spew. I hear you in regards to pondering the lasting effects that your ex of 15 years had on you. That's what bothers me the most now. I have issues with men and relationships now and I am not sure if I will ever completely be rid of them. But overall, the past is the past. It happened. I let it happen. It's done. I just don't want him in my life now. Especially under questionable contexts. I am grateful that I am finally at a point in my life where I have the insight to say, "hmmm, knah,not anymore." XOXO
Chandra: You have a point. One good thing from the relationship is that I got to meet some of you guys. THUMBS UP. Everything has it's up sides. :) LOL about the hat. Truly truly truly outrageous, wooowww JEM, the music is contagious, outrageous. We need to create an "overqualified" support group for those of us working disappointing jobs.