25 Ways to Spot a Douche Bag
June 29, 2010 My friend Jacquie ignited discussion around the topic of douche bags when she recently posted a blog entry titled, How to Spot a Douche Bag. It got me thinking, what is a douche bag to me? Jacquie made some excellent points in her critique, but since Jacquie resides in Saskatchewan, and I am now a permanent resident of Alberta, I thought I would add an Albertan perspective to the discussion.
When I think of douche bags, I think of men with unsexy behavioural traits: men who are preoccupied with looks, whether it be their own or the looks of others; men who weakly conform to the most ridiculous social trends and spend their money on superficial, status items yet have no money in the bank; men with an over inflated sense of entitlement, or a cocky ego that clashes with an inability to grow up and act like a real man. And the list goes on.
There are also different classifications of douche bags: the Jonas Brothers Purity Ring douche bags; the man-whore, Jesse James douche bags; the spray tan, Guido douche bags; the Chad Kroeger, redneck douche bags; the spoiled bitch douche bags like the ones on The Hills; the socially inept, life leech, nerd douche bags; or the supreme, man choda, Chris Angel type of douche bags. And the list goes on.
As I was doing research by gathering the opinions of my co-workers, The Wolf Pack, as to what they believe constitutes douche baggerism, we found it difficult to reach a consensus about certain characteristics commonly perceived as symbols of douchey-ness. The argument of, "yeah, but I know a guy who does that and he's super nice and down to earth," came up again and again. I realized that deciphering which characteristics make a man an Axe blooded douche bag was not going to be an easy task. Ultimately I concluded that a legitimate douche bag is not just some dude with a few bad fashion choices or a lame taste in hobbies, but rather the full package deal-- the kind of clueless asshole who really is a clueless asshole.
And so I bring you the Douche Bag Point System, a check list devised of douchey characteristics that are weighted on severity and ultimately compiled into a more complete analysis.
The Douche Bag Point System:
- The use of hair gel or mousse - 3 points
- Frosted tips - 10 points
- (Used in conjunction - automatic 15 points)
- Nautical star tattoo - 5 points
- Nipple, belly button piercings - 10 points
- (Eyebrow ring - additional 2 points
- Loyalty to brand whoredom - 7 points
- Ed Hardy clothing and accessories - 10 points
- (Those who wear Ed Hardy and don't know who Ed Hardy is - 5 more points)
- Popped collars - 10 points
- Pink shirts - 8 points
- Wearing a visor - 7 points
- (Wearing a visor backwards and upside down - automatic 15 points)
- Unusual positioning of hat - 3 points
- Crotch rockets - 10 points
- Suped up family cars and rice mobiles - 10 points
- Lifted trucks - 6 points
- Monster trucks - 10 points
- "Balls deep" decal on vehicle - 10 points
- Canadian Tire seat covers with flames or skulls on them - 5 points
- A DVD player in vehicle (not stock) - 4 points
- Truck nuts hanging from hitch of 4X4 - 10
- Anyone who regularly parties like a rock star after the age of twenty-five - 5 points
- Excessive work out regime focusing on the upper body - 5 points
- (In conjunction with the use of Creatine, or worse, steroids) - 5 more points
- Anyone who subscribes to men's magazines like Maxim - 7 points
- A fan of bad techno, Theory of a Dead Man, etc. - 6 points
- Dudes who body surf - 8 points
- Dudes who go shirtless in public - 5 points
- Excessive use of white in wardrobe - 10 points
Douchey Calculations:
1-30 points: Sometimes Mistaken for a Douche
Enjoy the few douchey tastes you have, sleep well, and do not worry-- there is a little bit of douche in all of us. As long as you do not wear a visor backwards and upside down. Ever.
30-75 points: Nice Guy With Some Douchey Qualities
You're a nice, down to earth fella-- no, really, I mean it. You're just a little misguided. You have a mind of your own and a sense of individuality, however, it is constantly jeopardized by your underlying desire to fit in with the mainstream. In other words, your integrity is weakened by your salty craving for bro culture.
You act like a cool guy around most, but transform into an unbearable mangina when in the presence of your bros. You try to mimic your bros' choice of attire because you think they are fashionable. They are not. You think Entourage is the best show on TV. It is not. In high school you bad mouthed douche bags behind their backs, not because you thought they were douches, but because they wouldn't let you into their mangina club. That, in itself, is a bit douchey.
Fear not. I have faith that you will out-grow your douche baggerism when your testicles descend.
75 - 150 points: On Your Way to Douche-dom
You have potential, but unfortunately you are spineless. Shitty, I know.
You work a lame job and power trip at that job, thus making the lives of your subordinates a douchey nightmare and consequently inspiring them to refer to you as "Douche" behind your back. You hook up with twenty-one year old coke heads with low IQs and then complain that there are no nice, normal girls out there. You despise home-grown automobiles, although you're not sure why, and you widen the asshole of your Civic's exhaust so it sounds like a weed wacker with a bad case of the farts. You own one pink shirt worth $150 but you do not feel comfortable enough with your masculinity to wear it.
I probably dated you at some point.
150- 225 points: Full Blown Douche Bag
You refuse to be friends with women because you do not see women as people. Women who will not sleep with you are "dumb bitches", those who will sleep with you are "dumb sluts". You regularly objectify women by analyzing their physical imperfections, yet you, yourself, are ugly. Ironically, you obsess over your physical appearance and do not like it when women are prettier than you are.
You are an incredibly loud, shameless mantard, and you get off on dominating anything and everything in the most mantarded ways imaginable. You perceive responsibility as an unattractive inconvenience that is best to be avoided.
Someday you will be that dumb ass at the gym with chicken legs, a massive upper body, and horrible, frosted tips, and you'll hit on twenty year old girls after gracelessly staring at their lady parts and they'll walk away from you and laugh.
THEY'RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU.
So, what are your thoughts on what constitutes a douche bag?
Feel free to use Jacquie and my blog posts as reference points for discussion. What aspects do you agree with? What aspects do you disagree with? I, personally, disagree with Jacquie's douche classification of those who drive Mustangs proceeding 1970.
That's right, I like my Mustang. I goddamn love it.
And just in spite of Jacquie's comment, I found this shirt the day she published her blog post and bought it. YES, I WEAR IT, TOO.
Okay, maybe those forest green, V6 convertibles circa 1994 are a bit douchey.
FINE. THEY ARE.
And while we're on the topic, can women be douche bags? If so, what constitutes a female douche bag?
I've posted this before, but I am thrilled to post it again:
Another gooder:
Reader Comments (11)
I agree with it all, although occasionally I think a little man pink is OK, depending on the guy, how they wear it, and the hue of pink...Not all men can pull this look off - my brother has a man-pink shirt though and I think it works on him, and he is as far from a douchebag as a guy can get (and I'm not just saying that because he's my brother!)
I totally agree with the wearing of a visor backwards and upside down being worthy of an automatic 15 points. However I think 3 points for unusual positioning of hat is a little modest. It's a very douchey thing to wear a visor (or a baseball cap) sideways, for example. So obnoxious that I would give it probably at least 5 extra points (although I'd prefer harsher, that's how much I hate it when people do that!)
There are definitely female equivalents of the male douchebag. I saw one today on my way home from the park with Andrew. I was already planning to write a bit about her in a blog post so stay tuned for that! I won't be referring to her as a douchebag in the post, but I do think that label is fitting.
16 points for gel (does hair wax change that? probably not?), loyalty to brand whoredom and body surfing. Though I have to admit, the body surfing I don't understand. I can see that at a bar or something, but if you go to a good metal show I don't see anything wrong with it. Really, I don't think you've been properly initiated into the concert going (especially metal) crowd if you haven't done it at least once.
Also on the pink shirt issue. I don't have pink shirts, but I DO have a white dress shirt with light pink pinstripes, so does that count or not? What about the fact that it is an epic addition to my grey, two piece suit?
I'm glad that this list doesn't include 'wears tailored suits' because that would come perilously close to claiming that Barney Stinson is a douche. Not only is that horribly wrong, it's an insult to tailored suits everywhere. Also because I have several tailored suits...
I'd also have to disagree with the 1970 Mustang. Give it to at least 1973, after that it's all downhill.
My name is Steve and I like to party.
I need some clarification on the Douchebad Olympics:
Unusual positioning of hat - 3 points (Does this include wearing it backwards circa early 90's. aka not "wigger style that we frequently see these days)
Loyalty to brand whoredom - 7 points (Does this also include if you find a style that "fits my fat ass" but does not charge more than $70 for a pair of jeans?)
Thankfully I am only married to a man, depending on your above answers, that wears hair gel and that's only because I am a mean wife and make him do his hair. If he had his way he would wear a baseball hat to work, play and all else haha!
I can proudly say according to your list, I am not even a female douchebag. But I do however hope I am not shunned for liking Nickel creek's "this afternoon" song. *hide my face*
Ugh I can't believe I forgot about chin-strap beards and Cris Angel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, and it's worth noting, that girls are allowed to own any Mustang they want. I actually contacted Dwayne to confirm, because I was pretty sure that you owned one, hahaha.
BON JOVI. He's definitely not a douche bag.
Liz: The positioning of the hat was much debated among my circle when I was brainstorming for this. One of my very non-douchey co-workers wears his hat slightly sideways, but he's a bit younger, so I think this is more of a generational thing than anything. However, Jacquie also brought up the importance of the hat position in her post, so maybe I am being too easy on it. And I can't wait to read your female douche post. CAN`T WAIT. I completely agree that there are an abundance of female douches out there.
PatZ: No, no, I would never touch on the tailored suit. But you see, tailored suits are classic, which really goes against what true douchery stands for, I think. Pink and grey go excellent together. I cannot contest that. I am not saying that all pink is bad. Sometimes I wear pink and drive a Mustang AT THE SAME TIME. I agree that the douchiness of crowd surfing does depend on situational factors, as many of the points listed above do. But metal concerts? Hardcore, sure. But metal? Body surfing among circle pits or during the wall of death? I ran this by my co worker who frequents shows and has played in a few local metal bands and he also disagrees with this. Dwayne? Do you have any input on this? And saying that you need to body surf at a metal show to really say you've been initiated into the metal crowd is a bit "scenester douche bag". Yes, I am giving you that look.
Steve: Too bad you're not a douche bag 'cause I would respond with, "you're my favorite douche bag."
Chandra: I am really not sure about the hat. I think there are too many generational variations to properly gauge douchiness on it. And I think as long as items are not bought solely due to brand it's a non-douchey issue. I am going to have to youtube that song you mentioned. And Bon Jovi sincerely appreciates your support and reassures you that you are welcome to ride in him anytime. Hearts n' farts!
Twitch: I can't believe you forgot about Criss Angel, too. Go search him in Google images. My favorite is the one of him dressed up as one of the members from Milli Vanilli. I forgot about chin straps, too. Particularly the ones worn by boys with anemic facial fluff. Although I do admit that I am constantly encouraging BearFace to grow his chin strap, but he's a breed of his own, and earns his douchey points through his love for lifted trucks, and goddamn he's handsome with chin straps.
LOL @ the Mustang comment. :)
"Sometimes I wear pink and drive a Mustang AT THE SAME TIME."
LMFAO
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