One of the many challenges of life: dodging Super Sperm
April 5, 2010 I live in Canada and was educated through the public school system, therefore I received ample sex education. We covered all sexual topics including various methods of birth control, but the moral pillar was the idea that the only legit way to "prevent your life from being ruined" was to practice abstinence. And by abstinence they meant don't even think about touching another's genitalia. 'Cause if you're a female and come into contact with male ejaculate, you're screwed. Maybe not literally, but figuratively. Sperm can climb, okay? It's called Super Sperm. Ever hear of immaculate conception? Yeah, that's right kids, keep your pants on or you're going to die pregnant, and broke, and covered in herpes sores.
It was in a child psychology class during my first year of university when I learned how miraculous conception really is. Team sperm endures quite the journey in hopes to meet with an egg that is only available for fertilization for a day or two out of every month. Makes you wonder... like maybe, just maybe, high school sex educators took the infamous tale of pregnancy via penetration-less, man juice splatter, a mythological story derived from sexually repressed Christians who couldn't come to terms with their own promiscuity, and blew it up into another scare tactic for horny adolescents. Yep, it's possible. 'Cause I think if a married couple who were $30,000 into fertility treatments heard a high school sex educator warn about the pregnancy risks associated with man-juice splattering outside-of-the-vag-j-j, they may go into that high school with a couple semi automatics and shoot people.
As I forge ahead into my late twenties, the sex education I received in high school just doesn't make the cut anymore. Like I know if a lil' magic potion touches my outer region, I am not going to get pregnant. And if for some reason I do, I will name it Jesus. In retrospect, what they should have taught in high school, and I know many of my friends in their late twenties and early thirties will agree with me on this, is the importance of doing an immediate rinse if that shit gets in your eyes. And I mean immediate.
My sexual health needs have transformed with the metamorphosis of my body, mental maturity, and life circumstances. For some reason I wasn't expecting this unless I was on my back, screaming for an epidural, and throwing boney elbows at the man who had put me there. Or enduring a major illness. Or, of course, going through menopause. Like many others, I am now depending on Google for my sexual health information.
I started taking an oral contraceptive called Alesse in my teens. I was an oral contraceptive success story, like one of those fresh-faced girls in the birth control commercials, rocking out on the oboe, and painting their bedrooms disgusting colors, and getting tattoos-- "making their own decisions and living their own lives." Or something like that. I went off of it for a short period in university, and went back on it until my hiatus from men in late 2007. About a year later I tried to go back on it but experienced unmanageable break through bleeding and after a few months jumped ship to the brand Yasmin, which is either the same pill, or at least sister pill to the popularly marketed, Yaz. That's when the rainbows faded, and the unicorns died, and I stopped rockin' out on the symbolic oboe. The dream ended.
I happily went off of Yasmin in September of 2009 when my relationship-at-the-time went down the tubes, and since I wasn't expecting to meet anyone else anytime soon, I was looking forward to a hefty hormonal break from oral contraceptives. Then I met Bear. Even despite being in another relationship, I was hesitant to jump back on the Yasmin roller coaster, but ultimately I decided that the extra reassurance was worth the hormonal discomfort.
Back in the day, oral contraceptives were nothing but a party. They made my monthly gift moderate and relatively painless, they mellowed out my hormones and cleared up my skin, and, once again, prevented my life from "being ruined" as I plowed through university and tried to find my place in this world. Which I am still looking for. Then my body decided that it was time to make babies. I haven't had it as bad as some other women-- no weight gain, boughts of emotional craziness, etc., but it's destroying my skin. And yes, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Jessica Simpson, and Avril Lavinge, I do use Proactiv. Thanks. And no, it doesn't work. What birth control do you guys use? Scoff!
I am currently in a space where I am not financially or relationally ready to shoot babies out of my vagina (this is where Laura would look at me, sigh, and say, you know that babies don't shoot out of vaginas, right?), but I am also not at a place of instability or emotional immaturity where a child would throw a devastating curve ball into my life progression. I do want to do the procreation thing, as does my current partner, but right now we're hanging out at a fork in the road and not at a point where it's appropriate to voluntarily move forward. Nonetheless, things have changed since my early twenties, and I am starting to recognize changes in my birth control needs. In retrospect, I've been consistently pumping my body full of hormones without really thinking that I have a choice. I can only hope that come 2012 I don't turn into a zombie like all those poor bastards who got the H1N1 vaccine.
I recently visited Girl's Gone Child, a blog by Rebecca Woolf, who is also the author of Rockabye: from wild to child, and I was lead to her personal experience with a Mirena IUD and its subsequent removal from her body, written about here. I sifted through some of the reader comments and was wowed by the array of contraceptive frustrations that many women face. I ended up googling Yasmin contraceptives and read hundreds of accounts of women's experiences with it. Of course I understand that women who are satisfied with Yasmin are probably not going to spend time sharing their experiences in online forums. Nonetheless, I've realized that many women are struggling with the same side effects that I am, like horrible skin, which this particular pill is actually supposed to counteract. I also discovered why I have been toppling over from foot cramps at work. Many women reported much more serious side effects and I eventually stumbled across a website specifically for Yasmin lawsuits. Yikes.
On a positive note, I also came across some methods of natural family planning, like the Marquette Method, the Standards Days Method, and the Weschler Method (Taking Charge of Your Fertility). Natural family planning is really based on the old school method of rhythm, where you figure out when you're ovulating by tracking your monthly cycle, and/or monitoring your temperature and changes in your cervical mucus. For any men who missed that one, I said CERVICAL MUCUS. The idea is to use a barrier method or abstain from sex altogether when you are fertile. Or, if you are trying to get pregnant, go hard at that time. Literally.
A few days ago I became so frustrated with how my skin was reacting to Yasmin that I said "fuck it" and stopped taking them altogether. I have yet to decide whether I will give Yasmin another go in a few weeks when my next cycle kicks in.
Nowadays there seems to be this underlying pressure to rely on hormonal methods of birth control, as if you're somehow being irresponsible if you are not using them, even despite the negative side effects that so many women seem to be experiencing. I can understand the higher level of risk associated with natural planning and can see why it may not be right for some women, particularly younger women who have more at stake. And women who have a tendency to wake up with their face in their own barf after a night of binge drinking and don't even know what day of the week it is, let alone where they're at in their fertility cycle.
But I have come to the age where I am consistently consistent. Boring, even. My body is mature and regular in it's cycle, and my lifestyle is slow paced enough where paying attention to my monthly happenings would be no unmanageable feat. Not to mention, my boyfriend is only home from work for eight days out of the month, I am fertile for one or two, and there are always those nifty sheaths called condoms. They smell weird, but they're alright. Cooler than acne, that's for sure.
We'll see.
I'd love to hear about other women's (or men's) experiences with birth control. What is currently working or not working for you?
health, sex, women in rant, reflections
Reader Comments (11)
I am so glad to read this. I just went onto Yasmin myself in October. For years I resisted hormonal birth control because something about it makes me nervous, but my doctor kept insisting that I 'might have PCOS' and since the treatment for that is the pill, let's just put you on the pill. Anyway, I have hated every second of the last 6 months. Well, that might be a bit dramatic, but I have suffered some serious side effects. It actually helped to clear up my skin for the first two or three months, but now it has made it worse. It did get rid of my serious period cramps, but at what cost?? I could get good painkillers from my doc for those.
I am an irrational bitch for about 1 week in the middle of the month. I bloated, I gained weight. My breasts got bigger and are constantly sore and my libido is in the toilet. Only during the week that I am on my period do I feel like having sex. That's how I know there is no God. And some people reading this will wonder why I am listing breast enlargement under the negative consequences? It's because I had a shitpile of clothes tailor-made for me in Thailand, and now NONE OF THEM FIT across my chest. Also, I liked my boobs the way they were, thank you. I was hoping to get away with no bra for a few more years until I decided to shoot babies out. Anyway, now I'm waiting to get put on Matt's Blue Cross and I'm going to get a copper IUD. Old school. I am done with hormonal treatments, because it turned out even if I did have PCOS (which I still don't even know for sure because no one will do blood tests or an ultrasound) I could just treat it with diet and exercise. Drop 10 pounds and do some cardio, and PCOS should resolve itself. Booya.
First off, I like how we're both incorporating the term "shoot out babies" into our speech.
Yeah, Yasmin. Not cool. Sounds like you had it even worse than what I am experiencing. It's definitely added some weight/ soreness to my boobies. Morning sickness, too. The third month in I had morning sickness and such soreness in my breasts that I thought I was pregnant. Again, not cool. I've also noticed some minor moodiness, which I don't typically experience throughout the month, and never experienced on my former birth control pill.
An old friend of mine got a copper IUD put in a few years ago. She was definitely happy with it at the time. I assume she still has it and it's treating her well.
Gosh, being female is rad.
Being gay is all the protection I need! We keep trying for ass babies, but to no avail.. A quick trip to China would solve our problem!
Bahahaha, ass babies. Will takes Lojo's spot away for new quote of the month!!
A few thoughts:
A) I don't have super sperm, my sperm is as lazy as I am. They'll get around to it when they get around to it.
B) I thought birth control worked under the conditions that it tricked the female body into thinking it was already pregnant?
Indeed, the pill and other hormonal methods trick the body into thinking you're knocked up. At least to the point where you don't release an egg. Typically the "I am pregnant" symptoms are really low key though.
And Will, I think I've given birth to a few ass babies in my life. They weren't cute.
Just heard on the news that Yasmin and Yaz are being sued in a class action suit because of side effects such as stroke, blood clots, and even a death. Hmmm might be a good idea to flush them down the toilet and hope it doesn't blow up something in the sewer system. I've heard there are other very reliable types of bc that do not include pumping your body full of hormones and chemicals, especially if your body is telling you to stop the pollution. You are right about the number of days one can actually get pg each cycle, so unless one experiences a super sperm that can live up to x number of days, as long as the vicious environment of the vag doesn't terminate it, it would be unlikely one would get pg if one is vigilant.
Good evenin'!
I was on the pill (Marvelon) for about 5 years, until I became educated that the pill was NOT my only option as far as birth control went. I was learning more about hormones and putting junk into my body (still put the junk just not in hormonal form!) and decided that I no longer wanted to go that route. I learned more about the copper IUD and decided to further pursue it. In the months leading up to actually having it inserted, I read oodles and oodles of horror stories on various message boards. You're right - people don't tell the good stuff. I guess as far as my IUD contribution goes I have two main things to say about it: 1) I loved it and had no really challenging side effects aside from a slightly heavier period, which was manageable for sure. 2) Make sure you check the strings!! I had mine for just over 2 years and I had not had it checked when I got it in. I was told I didn't need to go back in to get it checked, and that I would know if I expelled it. Since I've always had normal paps I hadn't gone for an annual pap, either. Anyway, so after 2 years, I went for a pap and lo and behold, I had expelled my IUD and it was sitting outside of my uterus! I'm glad I went in - and the reason I went in is because I did tend to feel the strings (however not super regularly, moreso in the beginning when I was panicky about it) and I felt a plasticy piece of the IUD which I knew was not supposed to happen.
So basically moral of the story: I am/was a fan of the copper IUD, as long as one is comfortable enough with their body to reach all up in thurrr and check for the strings. It 's totally an individual thing too as IUDs aren't great for some women's bodies just as some pills aren't.
Have you heard of any reviews on the Patch? While it is hormonal, I've been lead to believe it's more of a 'localized' hormone rather than injesting a pill and having it swamp through your bloodstream.
Hope you get some good comments on here, this is always a topic of interest to me too!
"The vicious environment of the vag!" THAT'S MY MOM, GUYS, THAT'S MY MOM (and former sex educator). And I will toss out those pills, Mom. I took my last one one Sunday and I already feel a lot better. I almost included an intro to this post about you writing slang sexual terms on the chalkboard at the beginning of your teaching semesters, and then I was going to photograph my own chalkboard with the slang terminology I used in this post, but I refrained 'cause it just seemed too vulgar. Haha!
Trista, thanks for sharing your experiences. As you probably read, Twitch is contemplating a copper IUD so I am sure she'll appreciate hearing your prospective. I will start looking into my options a bit more. Maybe the patch would work better for me. That's one method I haven't explored.
This is a bit of a long rant, and hopefully not too personal!...but here goes:
Sorry to hear about what you’ve gone through with Yasmin BC pills. Have you talked to a dr about trying a different pill, maybe you need a different level of something? Or, as you’re suggesting, perhaps a different form of birth control altogether is the way to go.
I was really lucky with the birth control I started out on. As a teenager I went on Triphasil. I may have gained a couple of pounds going on it but I don’t even think I did, I really didn’t notice any negative effects from it. I had less severe cramps, fewer pimples, and otherwise felt the same ‘me’ as before I was on them.
I was on them for about 12 years (well, halfway through switching to Triquilar, the exact same drug but the other was being ‘phased’ out…get it, TriPHASil…haha…anyway!) before I went off them, and the reason I went off them was because James and I had decided to start a family. Some people said I should be off them at least 3 months before trying to get pregnant because the pill could still be in my system enough otherwise to possibly harm the baby. But I confirmed with a few doctors that that’s not actually the case, and good thing because I was pregnant within one month of going off the pill!
I had toyed with the idea for a few years before I went off them, of going off them sooner. I was concerned (despite hearing from at least 3 different doctors to the contrary) that the pills could cause me to be less fertile when the time came that I actually wanted a baby. But obviously it was just me being paranoid.
I have to admit that I’ve enjoyed not having to remember to take a pill every single day since going off the pill. I decided not to take the ‘mini pill’ that you can take while nursing, for a number of reasons, so condoms it is till we decide if we want baby number 2! Which is ok…although without getting too graphic, it was so much nicer when I was on the pill and we didn’t have to deal with the whole latex thing, which can really take away from the event since it’s a whole process in and of itself…Ugh. But anyway…
I like not having to take a pill, but I do really miss the less severe cramping. And obviously the added security of feeling it would be pretty near impossible to get pregnant if my hubby and I had otherwise-unprotected sex. Honestly, there was a point a few years ago before we actually WANTED to start a family FOR SURE where I knew I’d be OK with it if we did get pregnant by accident. But now, not so much. Since we have a 15 ½ month old, I am not at all interested in getting pregnant again at this point in time. I’d freak if it happened! I’d keep the baby, but it’s not something I want to be thrown into before we’re truly ready. I feel so fortunate that it worked out that James and I were able to get pregnant when we were really ready (as ready as you ever can be, at least!) It would just be so complicated to have 2 kids right now, I’m not ready for my body to go through another pregnancy and I don’t want to take away from the attention Andrew gets yet for a sibling. I want to wait another couple of years before baby #2 comes along.
So once I stop breast feeding (my ‘goal’ is within the next 3 months to make that our reality!) I will reconsider going on the pill. It worked for me for sure and there is definitely a part of me that thinks it’s ‘fool-proof’ since I managed to not get pregnant for all those years I was on it! But then there’s the small part of me that wouldn’t be able to fully enjoy sex thinking I COULD possibly get preggers if we didn’t use more than just the pill…Ahhh, too bad 'responsible sex' can't just be enjoyable without all this thought process!!!
It’s so complicated isn’t it?! And so different for each one of us, depending on our situations, our relationships, our readiness for the possible consequences. Although I must say, we sure do have it easier than generations past, at least we DO have options (although it almost seems now as if there are TOO MANY options, making it all the more difficult to choose what’s best for us individually!)
I don’t know about the ‘natural family planning’ thing myself…my body is super regular too – obviously my cycle was ‘perfect’ while on the pill but it’s pretty well the same not on it as well (and I know I’m super fertile given that I started my period again just 5 weeks after Andrew was born, despite breast feeding!) But even though I feel I know my body, I wouldn’t trust not getting pregnant simply on tracking my cycle alone. The time period of when I apparently conceived doesn’t make sense for when Andrew was born (factoring in both his due date AND his actual arrival date 8 days later!) I basically feel as though I couldn’t have scientifically got pregnant when I did, but alas, my sweet adorable baby boy sleeps soundly beside me as I write this, so…!!!
Oh and those pesky sperm can live in the vag-j-j for, like, 5 days or so right, so you’d have to consider that, too, with the natural planning thang ;)
You're lucky that the pill has been a loyal friend to you. It's so convenient. And yes, one of the reasons I will miss it is because of the easy going periods. I dig the wonderful perk it gives to my boobies, as well. Agreed that condoms can be a downer. They're not my fave thing, either.
This morning my Mom and I were chatting about how different people are in regards to fertility, and therefore their birth control needs. Some of my friends have proven to be crazy fertile. On the other hand, I have one girlfriend who predominantly used withdrawal with her now-ex husband for over a decade and she only got pregnant when she wanted.
I can definitely see how someone who is very fertile, like you, and extremely adamant about not having a child right now, wouldn't want to do the natural planning method. Way too risky.
For myself, I am considering the natural planning method but with another form of birth control, as well, like barrier method. Most natural planning methods suggest this for at least 7-8 days surrounding your time of ovulation.
Of course, you never know, regardless of your fertility level, whether circumstances are going to be perfect in a moment and conception will occur. But all in all, I don't think I am highly fertile. If I was, I'd probably have a six year old right now. My partner and I don't have conversations about doubling up, we have conversations about hoping that we can get pregnant in the future.
And too personal? Nothing is too personal for a blog. C'MON! :)