No, I still don't understand modern day hiring practices.

Over the years I've come to terms with some uncomfortable realities, such as:

• My degree did not train me for a job. At all.
• 99.99999999999999% of employers want trained hirees.

But those are only a few common-sense factoids that I've generated from the cess pool of mind fuck that is the modern day job market. Recently I had the all-time biggest mind fuck of an interview-- an even bigger mind fuck than the interview I had with a local construction company where I was stood up for the first interview, and during the second interview one of the HR ladies texted on her phone and the other one, a no-nonsense twenty-something, arrogantly sat across from me while wearing a pair of Scooby Doo pajama pants.

I nailed the interview. I did not get the job.

The interview that I had recently was for a job that I really, really wanted. I researched the company and the details of the job title. I spent a couple hours reviewing common interview questions and mapped out how I would best sell my experience and characteristics for that particular position. I even picked up some new clothes that whispered I have my shit together. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that preparing well for an interview automatically makes me worthy for the job, I am just pointing out that yes, I covered the basics, and I didn't go in wearing a pair of Scooby Doo pajama pants.

I was nervous as I sat in the foyer and waited for the interviewer to fetch me, but I was more pumped than anything. I was going to shine, shine like Celine Dion in her A New Day Las Vegas show doing her infamous, Francophone power growl. And then Buddy came around the corner and stretched out his hand. Or maybe I stretched out my hand. Either way, our hands met, and BAM! It was instant awkward.

Why? I don't know, maybe it was the look he gave me and that subtle pause of hesitation that said, why did we bring her in? And then my following thought of, great, a perpetual nerd from planet Academia; help me Jesus.

Besides Buddy asking two or three questions that actually pertained to the job I was applying for, most of the questions asked were, well, annoying.

What is makeup artistry?

A little back story: as advised by my previous employment counselor, I have included miscellaneous achievements from over the years in my resume, even if they do not pertain to the particular job I am applying for. Since I have limited hands-on experience in the area in which I am pursuing, she insisted that this would help promote me as diverse and adaptive individual.

So yeah, what is makeup artistry? Sigh. Really? I mean, really. As I later relayed this to Bear, his reaction was, "Jesus [explicit] Christ. It is exactly what it [explicit] sounds like, [explicit]!" And that's coming from the man who responded to my use of the word "affirmation" by pointing to himself and saying "high school drop out", then pointed to me and said, "university graduate", then asked, "now what is affirmation? And can I buy it at Co-op?"

Another gooder:

What was your biggest challenge with selling Mary Kay?

Or,

What would make your current job more meaningful? How do you know that you're successful at your current job?

Or,

What newspapers did you do freelance writing for? If you could write full time, would you?

Don't get me wrong, I realize that Buddy may have had the intention to ask me off beat questions so he could divulge less censored answers from me. I get that. And when responding to these questions I did my best to twist the answers so they actually related to the position I was applying for, but at the end of the interview I walked out without ever really having the opportunity to sell myself or even discuss why I thought I was suitable for the job.

A few times throughout the interview I referred to working with young people and how I enjoyed acting as a mentor to them. Buddy later stopped me and pointed out how he thought it was funny that I referred to them as "young people", as I am so young myself. Then he went on to say that it is great that at my age I am in a supervisory position-- my employer must really see me as a leader.

This is the moment where I should have hit the pause button, ripped off my Celine Dion face and put on my Eminem mask. The moment where I should have stood on the chair and pointed to the dates on my resume with the toe of my boot while grabbing a fist full of hair and yelled, "I AM A WOMAN. I WILL TURN TWENTY-SEVEN THIS YEAR. YOU'RE WONDERING HOW I DIFFER FROM SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD BOYS IN HIGH SCHOOL? IT'S CALLED A MORTGAGE. IT'S CALLED GRADUATING FROM UNIVERSITY FIVE YEARS AGO. AND AS FAR AS YOU KNOW, I AM IN MY SECOND MARRIAGE, HAVE THREE KIDS, AND I AM SPORTING SOME WICKED C-SECTION SCARS. AND NO, BEING IN A SUPERVISORY POSITION AT MY AGE IS NOT IMPRESSIVE. PEOPLE MY AGE WHO HAVE BEEN AT THE SAME JOB FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME WHO ARE NOT IN A SUPERVISORY POSITION HAVE DEVELOPMENTAL ISSUES. AND BY THE WAY, WHO ARE YOU? DO YOU LIVE ON EARTH? AND NO, I DON'T HAVE ANY MARY KAY SAMPLES ON HAND.

But I missed the moment. It was one of those unexpected comments that left me stunned with a WTF thought bubble bouncing above my head instead of an assertive retort on the tip of my tongue. You know, the kind of moment that you wish you could go back in time and re-do. Dammit, I hate those moments.

My failure to progress to the next step in the hiring process was finalized on Friday when no one called me back. SURPRISE! But it wasn't much of a disappointment due to the interview being a patronizing mind fuck, which is why I am unabashedly ripping the experience apart on my public blog. I just don't care anymore. I don't think I will ever understand the social-political bullshit of the professional sphere. I am not sure I want to.

On that note, here is some uplifting words from my favorite deceased, overweight rapper:

Comments

[Dalton]

Sweetheart,

That's called STAR interviewing. Next job you're going to interview for please tell me what it is and I'll tell you what questions you're most likely to get. They rarely ask about the job anymore. They try to assess the person applying for the job. Hell I'm in the most technical industry in the world and we use the damn thing too.
I can help you Torr.

Love you

Anusol

[W]

OMFG! Thank you for adding Celine to your blog.. I know in the back of my glittery,overly homo sequins heart that you did it just for me! You should come work for me! Im serious! Im hiring someone to whip together the little shits that come in here and think becasue they saw a penis in a change room they should suck them for life, or that because they cuddled a girlfriend at a slumberparty its muffdivers for life.... GAWD I need a holiday! Plus... work would be considered doing JT dances like the old days... We would be incuraged to do them, not have to wait till break! Oh and we have a 52' TV to watch all our shows!

[Lojo]

Anusol:

I will let you know ahead of time before I have my next one!

I googled STAR interviewing and came across a lot of sites. This one was the most descriptive:
http://www.brockport.edu/career/behave.htm

The STAR style questions listed are the kind I am used to and prepped for-- I remember learning about behavioral interviewing even back in high school. I agree that some of the questions were behavioral style, but I still don't understand how questions like "what is makeup artistry?", or "what newspapers did you freelance for?", or even "would you write full time if you could?" could be answered using the Situation/ Action/ Result system. And I really don't know what behavioral information he could have retrieved from such questions (the interview was for a counseling related job, just so you know). Is there a right/wrong way to answers these questions, keeping in mind what job the interview was for? I am lost on this one. From the get-go I got the impression that he wasn't really interested in even interviewing me and that he was concentrating more on the fluff details to just fill time. I am all for conversation style interviews and questions about random things in my resume if the interview is balanced and more predominantly aimed at the actual job, but this one wasn't. It was just weird. What are your thoughts?

Love you, Dalton.

William:

HELL YES, I DID IT FOR YOUR SEQUINED COVERED HOMO HEART. If you weren't in Methmonton I'd be at the pride center at 9:00 am tomorrow morning with a shirt that says "Mos n' Ros" in a heart and a Rufus Wainwright CD in hand ready to work with sexually confused shits. SIGH. Even more heartbreaking is that you have a 52" TV. We only have a 32"!

[Elizabeth]

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on your article - It is amazingly written, I love it.

I'm sorry you're going through such a crappy time looking for new work...but at least you're trying, and each of these negative experiences is at least teaching you something. At the very least, it's telling you the type of people you DON'T want to work for. I mean, what if you got the position with the Scooby Doo pants person? Who does that??? Who wears Scooby Doo pants out of the house even on a day when they're NOT interviewing someone, let alone when they are. (Another question might be more simply, WHO WEARS SCOOBY DOO PANTS AT ALL?!)

I have some pretty awful interview (and job) stories of my own...It pisses me off that I didn't get the job from some of them, yet I also know with 100% certainty that I WASN'T right for the job because the other people or the company itself wasn't right for me.

Something more up your alley is going to come along, it's only a matter of time. You are a multi-talented individual and I KNOW your talents will be recognized! Keep your chin up, it's great that you are working toward better things.

Hugs!

[Lojo]

Thanks, Liz!

I hear ya. Those thoughts often cross my mind after bad interviews-- would I really want to work for those people anyway? Probably not. And I know, SCOOBY DOO PANTS!!

Once again, thanks friend :)