The everyday adrenaline rush of living in winter hell.
December 2, 2009
Up until Monday, Central Alberta had done a swell job at avoiding winter: minimal snow, above seasonal temperatures, overall awesomeness. Like every year, we held our collective breath and discussed the possibility that maybe, just maybe, this winter will be mild. But then the snow came, then it half ass melted, then it froze again. And now the temperature is below -20 C and the roads are so slick that I'd probably be better off ice skating to work instead of driving my rear wheel drive sports car among an exhaust ridden sea of pick up trucks, sport utility vehicles, and front wheel drive four doors that have suddenly grown large, unshaven man balls.
People who live in mellow climates really don't know the winter hell that some of us endure. Fuck those people. Do you know how drastic winter is around here? Drastic enough that I wear leg warmers for half the year. Leg warmers paired with wool socks. Imagine sharing a moment of intimacy and your partner stopping mid embrace to ask you to remove your legs warmers because the homeless, butch soccer player look deflates his mojo. "And the wool socks, too, Lojo, don't forget the wool socks."
On the plus side, wearing a leg warmer/ woolie combo to bed is a good test in measuring a man's love for you. . . or, well, how badly he wants sugar. But things like wool socks are insignificant sidenotes when it comes to a gnarly winter. It's the discomfort and pain of severe cold that really gets to us. And unlike other locations around the globe, those of us who endure ugly weather on a regular basis do not get snow days. School is rarely cancelled, businesses keep rollin', and employers still expect employees to show up on time. All we get is zero visibility and frost bite warnings for skin exposed for more than two minutes.
A few days ago I met up with the new man in my life after we had both wrapped up a night shift. I will refer to him as Bear-- he looks like a brown bear, babies me like a teddy bear, growls like a grizzly bear, and when delirious from tiredness has informed me that he if ever comes across a bear he will wrestle that bear, and own that bear, and put fear in all other bears within the bear community. So, Bear it is.
It had gotten down to -22 C that night, and Bear who, more or less, works outdoors, had just finished a twelve hour shift. As we sat in a restaurant waiting for our breakfasts to come, Bear shoved his stiff fingers into the sleeves of my hoodie as he shivered. Seeing an alpha male shiver is like seeing a killer whale choke on an oil spill. Or witnessing a Terminator keel over from acid indigestion. Or watching your dad cry. It's just wrong.
When we laid in bed later that morning gearing up for sleep, he put his arm around me and pulled me close. And, like usual, I waited for the Furnace with a Heart Beat to warm me with eco-friendly body heat. I waited. And I waited some more. And then I waited some more. But all I felt was coolness radiating from deep within his bones and the surrounding muscles that had not yet forgotten the shitty discomfort of a cold, winter night.
8:30 AM. First hour of winter storm.
9:30 AM. Second hour of winter storm. Wind still at a minimum. Supposedly 11 hours to go. Le barf.
Right now an Arctic cold front is sweeping across Central/ Southern Alberta. Snow, strong winds, and my all time favorite, blowing snow. This is why I feel no need to sky dive. Or bungee jump. Or go white water rafting. Living in Western Canada is exciting enough as is. Today, a typical day, will consist of numerous gambles, like will I be able to get out of my communal drive way without getting stuck in the snow bank that will have accumulated due to my condo company's inability to offer the snow removal service that I pay for in my condo fees? Will I get stuck so badly that I will need to phone people to come push me out? Will I be late for work? If I get out of my drive way, will I make it safely down that slippery highway that will appear to be moving from side to side like some fucked up ride at the carnival? Will I even make it to work? Or will I just die?
Oooh, the anticipation.
Reader Comments (4)
My floppy hat is awesome. It kept me plenty warm as I walked around in this crap today.
Your floppy hat is about as good as it comes.
Ugh, tell me about it. We're supposed to be getting some shitty weather starting next week, and in my absence, my car somehow lost all its winter stuff: extension cords of varying lengths, a small snow shovel, winter clothes and even the gay (and not in a good way) little safety kit for melting snow in a tin can. NOT looking forward to this winter, as I was in +40 weather for the last one.
Well Vagisil,
We had a 1/2 inch of snow here but by noon it was 60F. I feel your pain, the morning sucked!