A Cat Lady's Revenge On the Traditional Family Christmas Letter


Holiday greetings from Holy-Sh*t-the-Weather-Sucks, Alberta.

 The past year held so many joyous achievements for the Manifesto family. Please grab a pen to make jot notes while I recite them to you in detail.

Sophie-Bear was inducted into the Cutest Kitty to Ever Exist Hall of Fame and was formally recognized as 'the perfection that hails from the gold-dusted flatulence of the highest ranking archangel.' There are now plans underway to erect a statue of her in Cairo, Egypt, the ancient home of ultimate cat worship, that will be approximately the size of a Clydesdale horse and coated in 10K gold. But I hear your fifth born attended his first Mommy and Me aquatics lesson at the local rec centre - gosh, you must be so proud.

In addition to Sophie's achievements, our household busied with the buzz of Snorticus Maximus, who attracted the attention of Internet Entertainment Cat Agencies from around the world. Ultimately we decided it was best for Snort to leave cat-stardom for the next inexplicably perfect, feline specimen, if by some chance a cat of her magnitude should ever exist again.

As expected, Snort was disappointed, but she has come to understand that it is I, her mother, who made the true sacrifice to remain working in a fluorescent lit, cubicle jail to protect her from being pimped like a cat-child, show-biz whore, thus robbing her of her kittyhood and potentially molding her into a waste-of-fur asshole. Thankfully she is a cat and will never scream the words "f*ck you, you wrecked my life!" like your children will when they reach the age of thirteen.

Sophie also has a new love interest, a reputable long haired stud named Colonel Meow, AKA Sasquatch Cat, whom she met through Snort's exposure to 'the industry.' There was discussion of Sophie appearing with Squatch in Grumpy Cat's upcoming Christmas special titled, It's Beginning to Look A lot Like . . . F*ck This, but Squatch was recently busted with a couple ounces of cat-nip and has since been pulled from the documentary. We will continue to fight for kitty rights and raise awareness of the medicinal benefits of cat-nip.

2013 was a true blessing to our family and we hope you're loving life as much as we are in our first world bubble of perfection. Now it's time to crack a beer, openly use the c-word without having the word recycled in front of a third grade teacher, and then sleep in as late as I want.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

The Manifesto Family



Attempting to Demystify the Voodoo Sex Magic of Chino Moreno of Deftones - and Failing

It's rare I meet a man who makes me do a double take based on esthetic attractiveness alone. Culligan Man, the dude who delivers our water at work, is an exception, and his prettiness is so potent his mere presence can be bowel-churning, his sparkling eyes blinding beneath the stark fluorescent lights, as if he's some glitch in the Matrix's programming. Despite Culligan Man's jarring good looks, I'm not attracted to him. At all. And yet I still noticed an awkward energy when he walks into a room, as if he's silently begging those he meets not to objectify him as a hot piece of ass, as if he's trying to convince the world that he, too, rips man-farts that can clear a room.

I conceptualize social constructs of esthetic attractiveness and the ogling of those constructs (e.g., so n' so has nice tits, therefore she's hot) as quite different from sex appeal. On the other hand, sex appeal (or human attraction in general) seems to be a personal phenomenon that is not easily defined. Then there are those human anomalies who throw the "personal" angle of sex appeal out the window, who, despite not mirroring society's strict, robot-like standards of beauty, possess such magnetism that they garner widespread swooning, as if they wear the residue of some sort of fucked up, Voodoo, sex magic.

And so I introduce to you Chino Moreno, lead vocalist of Deftones, one of the few high profile bands that came into fruition in the 90s and haven't sold out to the dumbed down standards of the mainstream.

Over the years Deftones have progressed from an easy-listening metal band to a band that creates complex and experimental music, yet manages to hone a distinct sound that I refer to as I should be high or having sex right now music.

Back-in-the-day Chino reflected a young, dark featured image of what Western society deems attractive, and therefore his swoony persona was a given. But over the decades Deftones fans have watched Chino physically morph as he matures and it hasn't seemed to diminish his sex aura. I once read a conversation online that played out as follows:  

"Chino has gotten fat."

"Your mom would still do him."

"Yes, she would."

Chino is not a genetic fluke like Clooney or Pitt. Period. And so I wondered . . . what is it with Chino Moreno?

I decided to conduct my own observational research and concluded the best place to collect data of people's most uncensored and Neanderthal-like reactions to Chino Moreno was to scour the comments on youtube.

The comment feed for this now old-school, acoustic version of "Be Quiet and Drive" was ripe with lust. One dude commented that Chino gave him, and I quote, "man-chills," and a girl called out Chino in grammatically incorrect, youtube blabber stating, "Chino . . . I hate that you ruined every guy in my eyes," which in proper English can be translated to, "Chino . . . I hate how no other guy can live up to your superior sex magic."

Other videos were littered with comments like . . .

"Seriously. . . . meeeooowww. LOVE."

"Sextones <3."

And in what I can only assume to be a fit of frenzied lust, Athena wrote, "Oh, Chino, so sexy . . . gosh."

But it didn't stop at the women. One dude wrote, "dear reincarnation, may I request to come back as Chino in my next life please, for he is the coolest man on earth. More common were the dudes who openly discussed their raging boners after watching a Deftones video. The following specimens were typical, status quo comments:

"I'm so horny right now."


"If sex were music, this would be it."

"I have a boner."

The video below for the song "Sextape" is one of my favorite music videos of all time. Its dreamscape images are what I saw in my mind's eye when I laid in my bedroom at seventeen listening to their White Pony album.

Chino nor any of the other band members are in the video, however, this does not damper the lust buzz of the video's comment feed. One dude comments, "Chino makes me question my straightness," and another dude expresses his gratefulness for the creation of the song because it is "like unicorn tears."

I love unicorns. Those who personally know me can attest that I often make reference to a magical, imaginary land called Unicornia, and at one point I had a unicorn figurine I named, quite fittingly in this circumstance, Boner. But the "unicorn tears" comment threw me off. Had I fallen into an internet vortex? Had I accidentally slipped into the virtual backdoor of a Bronies forum for dudes who dig My Little Ponies?

No. It seemed I was still in a comment feed for Deftones. Not Gaga, or Lauper, or Ke$ha, or some Japanese act, or some band featured on the soundtrack of a 1980s fantasy movie - no, no. I was in a comment feed for this band:

Suddenly everything I understood about the world - all the little boxes I had created in my mind - were lit on fire then doused in, you guessed it, unicorn tears. But one conclusion I did make was when it comes to the hard rock sub-culture of my generation, Chino's sex magic may be on par with Morrissey's. Or close to it. Or at least has the potential to be close to it. And that's fucking impressive.

Did I make any solid conclusions as to the ingredients of Chino's unique brew of sex magic? Not really. But I did narrow down one common quality that seems to infiltrate his appeal: Juxtaposition. And by juxtaposition I mean his persona's convergence of humility and cool confidence, tenderness and testicular fortitude, a visual style that crossbreeds classic and street. But hands down his most sex magical tension is his vocal style that ranges from post love-making lullabies, to hardcore, soul explosive belly wails.

While I may have failed at successfully demystifying Chino's appeal, I have done a public service for the guys out there who are stuck in the friend zone - Chino is your man. No, not the man to name your body pillow after, but a mysteriously magnetic man-specimen to take notes on. Apparently he's worth the study.


NSA's PRISM Program: Human Morality VS the System

Within the last month some monumental plot points have been written in the real-time, historical documentation of How the World Went to Shit.

While middle-management elite pow-wowed at the annual Bilderberg meeting - an appropriate, atmospheric backdrop to the recent news-story maelstrom, Turkey hit center stage in the realm of indie media as protesters took to the streets to save Gezi Park and resist government oppression.

The now infamous Lady in Red photo (courtesy of Osman Orsal)

Staying en vogue with the global, political vibe, protesters were met with murderous n' maiming brutality from police dressed as bobbleheaded storm troopers.

Meanwhile, Bradley Manning resurfaced in the mainstream as his trial began for passing classified materials to WikiLeaks.

News also broke about Anonymous hacker, Deric Lostutter being raided at gun point by the FBI for his key role in 'outing' the Steubenville rape case that lead to the conviction of two rapists. According to reports, Deric could face a maximum of 10 years in jail.

These story arcs thread a common theme that rises again and again, like a bloated body buried below sea level. While this re-occurring phenomenon is difficult to break down, box, and label, it reflects a swelling, moral dichotomy between the inherited values of a system that is out of control, and an elevating human consciousness that is becoming increasingly resistant to the opposing power.

The world that once seemed too complex to conceptualize in 'black and white' is playing out like a silent, 1920s picture show, and the grey space that once fooled us into thinking the benefit of humanity was in there (somewhere), is being swallowed by a blackness that has become too unethical-- too psychotic-- to white-wash the truth of the tyrannical system any longer.

But the event that demoted these other occurrences to 'extras' on the stage of the Western freak show was former CIA dude turned whistle blower, Edward Snowden outing the National Security Agency's classified PRISM program, a state surveillance structure that intercepts and stores digital communications: phone conversations, text messages, phone records, emails, documents, financial information, videos, photos, audio and video chats, social media communications, and possibly cyber farts. While it's probably assumed our digital dealings are accessible to the higher-ups to some degree, this whistleblow takes those suspicions to a whole new level-- like the government is hiding in your bedroom closet 'fapping' while watching you pick a boogie out of your nose kind of level.

Political rebuttals to the post whistleblow scrutiny excused PRISM by jerking off the same deceptive, game-play they always do under the guise of national security and fraudulent heroics. In doing so, the intended target of the PRISM program was repeatedly touted as "foreign targets located outside the United States." We know that's pacifying bullshit, but as a Canadian, it still irked me - you know, that whole "imperialism" thing.

While the foreign angle may be a soother in the mouth of sheeple looking for something sweet to help swallow the taste of bullshit, the familiar cockiness of the American government (and its puppet masters) in regards to infringing on the lives of outsiders left me peering down the same, dark hole many others from many countries have been pushed into at the selling out of their governments, at the hands of U.S. occupation, at the strategic order of the untouchable, shadow elite. I was left with a seething, overwhelming feeling of fuck you.

After reading reports suggesting British spy agency, GCHQ also collects people's private communications and shares them with the NSA, I expected Canada was doing the same.

With further digging, I learned that Canada already has its own Big Brother surveillance in place:

The typical response from fellow civilians to the confirmation that we're now living in Orwell's 1984 has been, "if you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to worry about." I understand that may seem logical when disconnected from the political beast's underbelly - I've been there - but shit has gotten way too weird to continue to adhere to that cop out.

If we're not breaking the law, why should we care if government agencies are monitoring us and storing all our digital communications in a databank?

The issue with PRISM and its counterparts is the unequal distribution of power, and this level of civilian surveillance puts a terrifying, super cell into the hands of governments, the corporatocracy, and the super elite (all of whom are in bed with one another). This kind of surveillance also puts everyday civilians into a state of unprecedented vulnerability where our level of freedom/ enslavement is entirely controlled by the whims of those holding the super cell. It's kind of like handing over the wheel to a psychopathic douche bag who is high on meth, closing your eyes, and praying it all works out in the end.

The 'only law breakers need worry' mentality surrounding mass government stalking crumbles when pitted against a number of realities, one being the creation of laws themselves, which are not necessarily democratic or even reflective of basic, human good. In Canada we've seen an influx of new policies and amendments that rape the environment and hinder our constitutional rights, and based on the subsequent outrage of informed citizens, and the organization of movements like Idle No More, I wouldn't say these legislative changes reflect the collective, democratic voice of the Canadian people. And that's the clincher - governments will continue to pass legislation and tweak laws to fit their own agenda (or possibly the agenda of the shadow elite), and increment by increment, everyday freedoms will be smothered under criminalization. 

While government agencies may claim to be targeting foreign threats (AKA, "terrorists"), who we've been conditioned to perceive as dark-skinned villains from an alien land, it's suspected that Big Brother's real focus is now the increasing monitorization of activists, journalists, academics, and government dissenters in general. These people are, quite fittingly, now labelled  "terrorists" under the propagandist ploy to normalize them as threats to national security. The true reason why activists are being targeted is because they challenge the pre-existing power structure, and those in control don't like that.

Rest assured, those who don't care about civilian surveillance, the erosion of environmental protections, the gross exploitation by the super rich, etc., and who perceive institutional resisters as fringe extremists who should be squashed, will eventually have their time. If we continue on this socio-political path, every single one of us will come to a point when we get crotch-punched by some government sanctioned control that personally infringes upon us or our loved ones in such a 'are you fucking kidding me?' way that we'll be motivated to fight back. Except there's a good chance that when that time comes, our basic rights to express democratic dissent will be long gone, largely in thanks to programs like PRISM.

And then there is the issue of blackmail/ coercion.

When a person gets a security clearance check prior to working with sensitive, government related information, the focus of that process is to ensure the applicant doesn't have skeletons in the closet that could be used for blackmail and subsequently put the government (or public) at risk. If government institutions grasp this concept, so much so that they've developed systemized clearance structures to protect themselves from this vulnerability, I think it's fair to say they fully understand the power they wield by storing all our digital communications. Under programs like PRISM, it's guaranteed they have something on all of us that could damage or destroy certain aspects of our lives, or other people's lives, no matter how innocent those communications may have been in context. The opportunity for manipulation is limitless. Simply put, these surveillance programs give governments the leverage to personally suckle whatever they want from us, whenever they want.

I've never formally studied government resistance on a macro scale, nor do I know a step by step itinerary for dismantling a growing tyranny, but I do know we need to cleanse ourselves of the institutional mind-fuck, (re)learn critical thinking (possibly with the help of some history lessons), and truly tap into our gut, human morality as to what feels right or wrong/ just or unjust. More importantly, we need to have each other's backs, no matter what our personal stances or positions, and stand up for our personal liberties and basic, democratic rights -  we can squabble about all the other shit later. History teaches that the greatest weapon of a totalitarian power is to conquer and divide, which tells us that our greatest weapon, nationally and globally, is our growing unity.


I Got ta Get My Props, Cops, Come and Try to Snatch My Crops: Bank Account Confiscation, from Cyprus to Canada

When news broke last March about Cyprus, my mind immediately went to this . . .

Which wasn't completely out of left field. While news reports may not have been referring to the weed worshipping, Cuban-American/ Latino hip hop group, what they were referring to was an island country in the Eastern Mediterranean Sea called Cyprus, a bankruptcy-bound, eurozone nation who had joined the ever-growing Banking Crisis Club; shit in Cyprus had, indeed, gone "loco". But the truly say what? angle to the story of Cyprus is a methodology used to save Cyprus' banks: siphoning people's bank accounts.

While I knew bank account drains n' freezes were a real possibility, especially considering our dependency on the could-collapse-society-at-the-touch-of-a-button, technological banking system, I maintained a sense of experiential distance from the Cypriot people based on my belief that Canadians remained far removed from a kick in the balls of that severity, even under the regime of Emperor Harper. And as I wrapped my toque swaddled head around the notion of Cypriots being held responsible for the financial flubbers of their governments and banks - the top dog, douche bags, really - I parked my ski-doo, smoked a rock with Toronto mayor, Rob Ford, and had a moment of silence for the people of Cyprus while the intergalactic, nerd-sexy intro to Rush's Tom Sawyer hummed from a nearby igloo.

But the illusionary, beaver pelt shroud I hid behind in the name of (what once appeared to be) true Canadian democracy became ravaged by the unromantic, Canadian wind chill when reports hit that Emperor Harper's regime has proposed a similar "bail in" in the new Canadian budget.

On page 145 of Emperor Harper's Economic Action Plan 2013, it states should any "systemically important banks" fail, these banks will be resolved "without the use of taxpayer funds." Instead, "the Government proposes to implement a 'bail-in' regime for systemically important banks." And, "this regime will be designed to ensure that, in the unlikely event that a systemically important bank depletes its capital, the bank can be recapitalized and returned to viability through the very rapid conversion of certain bank liabilities into regulatory capital."

Certain bank liabilities = bank deposits

To further break that down, if a bank shits the bed, the Harper Government has set the stage to steal money from the accounts of Canadians and give it to said bank in order to keep it in business. And with the situation in Cyprus acting as an example of how ball breaking this kick in the bean bag could be, it is reported that some Cypriots with deposits over 100,000 euros could have lost as much as 80 percent of those deposits. For a more in depth breakdown, read, Cyprus-style "Bail-ins" are Proposed in the New 2013 Canadian Budget.

(Add on: It was brought to my attention I should mention that some deposits in Canadian banks are covered by the CDIC [Canadian Deposit Insurance Corp] for up to $100,000. They had a similar program in Cyprus, and I've been told that despite having such a program, they did consider torquing the douche-dom and confiscating amounts that were under the limit and supposedly insured. Ultimately they only confiscated hefty portions of accounts over $100,000 as to not completely shit on people's remaining confidence in the banking system. Needless to say, it's a toss up whether the Harper Government would actually honor said insurance program.)

It's expected that the implementation of "bail-ins" will gradually become a normalized, bank-salvaging phenomenon, thus reflecting the mounting severity in which the 1% rapes and pillages the 99. Pardon me for jumping from Cyprus Hill to Sublime, but this is very Robbin' the Hood.


Resources to better understand our inherently doomed, global monetary system:

+ Part II of the Zeitgeist trilogy, Zeitgeist: Addendum (documentary movie)

+ The Banking System Cartoon (for the ADHD'ers looking for a non-committal nose dive)

+ More Canadian specific, here is a 12 year old breaking down the corrupt Canadian banking system

Additional (off-topic, but related) news stories:

+ RBC Replaces Canadian Staff with Foreign Workers (worthy reality check to make note of: the CEO of RBC took home 12.6 million last year)

+ Senate Scandal may be Harper's Worst Hour - Oh look, douche bag, Canadian politicians sponging off the backs of taxpayers so they can personally live like motherfucking Chad Kroeger-- naturally.



Quick Recap: Harper Government's Reign of Douche

The following Harper Government break-down came through my feed in a Google doc, and I thought it was important to copy and re-post with the addition of some images. (FYI, I can't vouch for the links - some may be broken.)


Harper Government Changing the Face of Canada


Canada is one of the richest countries in the world but under the Harper government Canadians will now have to work 2 years longer to get old age security. Even though spending has increased 22% with Harper government  important social programs are on the steady decline. That means health care cuts, senior cuts, education cuts all the while the government is wasting $83 million dollars to promote their Economic Action Plan, $28 million to commemorate the War of 1812, $10 million to rent pandas, over $1 million to fly Harper’s car to India and these are only a few of the wasteful spending incidents of the Harper regime. 

The crime rate has continually decreased in Canada in the last 10 years, yet Harper’s government has built 22 new provincial prisons, and 15 new special handling units (SHU). The Conservatives have  taken austerity measures on most social programs while Correctional Services budget has increased 54%.

Stephen Harper claims there is transparency in government and yet will not allow debate on any of the bills and acts mentioned below that will change Canada’s freedom forever.

 January 31, 2011 Harper passed Bill C-3, which allows individuals, who were previously unable to obtain Indian status due to reasons within the act or were omitted from obtaining status because of marriage, can now be added to the band. They do not have to have had any connection with the band or the land. 

December 5, 2011 Harper passed Bill C-10 which is a massive piece of legislation of roughly 100 pages that rolls nine laws from organized and drug crime, to pardons, to child sex offenders, to migrants entering Canada and young offenders into a single omnibus law. Bill C-10 created mandatory minimum sentencing for minor offences such as giving a friend some marijuana.  It amends sections on terrorism and the support or the inciting of terrorism, making simple acts an act of terrorism. 

June 18, 2012 Bill C-38 replaced the current Canadian Environmental Assessment Act with new legislation which decreases the opportunity for First Nations' involvement in Environmental Assessments as well as ending environmental assessments for minor projects, referred to as "screening". Bill C-38 guts environmental legislation and 'streamlines' the environmental review process to pave the way for rapid approval of industrial mega-projects like the Enbridge Northern Gateway Pipeline.  Bill C-38, violates the federal government's obligation to consult with First Nations and accommodate First Nation Treaty and Aboriginal rights.  (broken link - I haven't been able to track down this particular source -Lojo)

December 14, 2012 Bill C-45, a massive 450 page document passed into law, taking from our social programs, environmental protection, and research infrastructure and amends over 74 pieces of legislation in a single bill.

The Navigable Waters Protection Act was hidden in C-45 has reduced the protection of 2.5 million protected lakes and rivers in Canada to 159 lakes and rivers protected. These amendments would change the statute’s name to the Navigation Protection Act (NPA), a change that reflects the government’s desire to completely separate navigation from the environmental component that enables it. In other words, the law will no longer protect navigable waters — it will only protect navigation. The NPA would exclude 99.7 per cent of Canada’s lakes and more than 99.9 per cent of Canada’s rivers from federal oversight. Meaning all our fresh water is available for corporate use and pollution. Construction of bridges, dams and other projects will be permitted without prior approval. Pipelines are exempt from this law and will no longer be considered for environmental assessments. This puts us all at great risk. Water is our most vital resource and should be protected.    

September 19, 2012 Harper passes Bill C-309 Preventing Persons from Concealing Their Identity during Riots and Unlawful Assemblies Act, which states anyone wearing concealment or mask over their face without any lawful excuse is guilty of an offence and you can be arrested and thrown in jail up to 5 years.

Now Harper Government is pushing for the Bill S-212 and the First Nations Private Property Act (FNPPA) which will give the government the power to divide all native lands equally between band members and band members will have the power to sell their allotted piece of land to anyone who is wishing to buy the land, including mining, drilling and fracking companies.

This is where Bill C-3 comes into play. These new band members that have never had connection to the band or land will under Bill S-212 and FNPPA will be allotted equal share of band land. These new members will have the power to sell the allotted land to whomever they chose, for mining, for forestry, anything the corporate world wants it for. If the other band members protest against these sales and corporations under a new clause in Bill C-10 they will be inciting terrorism. With the minimum sentencing also in Bill C-10 everyone will receive prison term. In the end this will lead to the sell out of reserve land. How is this in the best interest of Canadians?

Bill C-30 will also allow the government to access anybody’s computer they wish. Our right to privacy is gone.

 Bill C-11 makes it illegal to copy and download any music or video to your computer, cell phones, IPod, IPad etc. With Bill C-30 they will be able to see that you had download music and movies to your computer, IPod, I Pad or phones and you will be charged and sentenced to up the 5 years in prison. Under Merging Sentencing they could possible sentence you for music and then movies under separate charges so 10 years for downloading some music and a movie.

Nope, cat-man love won't win me over, Emperor

Harper is planning to sign a FIPA agreement with China the worst human rights, animal rights and environmental offender in the world. FIPA gives the ability for corporations to sue foreign governments in private courts, called “investor-state arbitration,” is a controversial practice built into many trade deals like NAFTA that has cost Canada millions and over-ruled democratic decisions, but none impose the level of secrecy  as in the Canada-China FIPA Under this system, Canada has already been sued more than any industrialized country in the world. We are  selling out our companies, resources and public health. The people of Canada should be questioning the integrity of our government. These are not the actions of a government that is concerned about the future generations of Canada. Please share this information with groups, unions, co workers, family and friends to bring awareness everywhere.


Anonymous Manatee has joined the document.